Fresh air ...

I don't know what to say today. Everything was so ... off. I had a pretty good day at school. Got a 100 on 2 tests. Didn't have anyone to sit with at lunch though. I just wandered around the halls aimlessly, wishing the time would move faster. I'm starting to understand what we're working on in Calculus again. I seem to get lost for the first few days of a lesson and then eventually it clicks.
I didn't want to go to dance, but of course, I went anyways. My mom was acting really weird on the drive down. For the most part our rides tend to be silent. But today she kept asking me for advice saying she "admired" me.
 ... you don't know what I've done behind closed doors.
I hate when she asks me for advice. I'm supposed to ask her. She's supposed to teach me how to maintain a healthy relationship and make goals and live a life that's  worth while. All I've learned from her recently, is that isolation isn't such a bad idea.
My dance class was okay, but not great. I did some good turns in the second class. I was in a good enough mood.
Then my dad asked me if I wanted psychiatric treatment.
Part of me does. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to know something is wrong with me, because if this chaos that is my mind is normal, I don't understand how the human race has survived. I want to be fixed. I want to be myself again, or at least the self I used to be. But I'm scared. I'm scared of the way people will look at me. Will they be able to tell? What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you've attempted suicide before? What if you still want to die? What am I supposed to do?
And then my brother called, and he yelled at me. Like he always does. He always yells. Al he needed to do was ask me if I was eating dinner. And instead he yelled at me. This is supposed to be my one ally and he always treats me with disdain and anger. I can't take it.
Then I ate. A lot. It was hummus and carrots, but hummus is fattening. I took my measurements which are still .5-1 inch more than they were before the summer.  I'm wearing the same handful of jeans over and over because they're all that fit.
I just want  to move on. I want out of this house. I want something, anything to change. I need something to change.
I need something new.

I need some fresh air.

Thank you ruby-tuesday <3

Laughter here ...

My mind is cold and dark. Spinning. The memories are painful, and my head aches. I clench my eyes and clutch my head with wearied hands. There's no escape. All I have is dreams, and I know they are nothing more. My gaze is low and distant. I cannot lift it.
What is wrong with me?
I cannot sleep. I cannot focus. I cannot function. I cannot feign that oh so familiar smile. The cracks are growing. They notice. They worry. And yet, they don't.
Why are there always the most people when you want to disappear?
They surround me. I can't escape it. Questions and smiles. False niceties and constant strangeness. I just want to self destruct. I want everything to fade away under the pretense of perfection until I reach critical mass and everything falls apart.
Perfect until the end.
4.0
Skinny. Scary skinny.
talented
perfect. I must be perfect.
No sleep.
No food.
No joy.
No love.
No home.
Because this house that I live in, this is not a  home. This whirlwind of pain and sorrow and anger is not a home.
We rented out the basement not long ago for need of extra income.
Today I heard laughter, and I was baffled. Until I realized it came from below. They laugh. They are home. I am not.
There is no laughter here.

To look but not see is to be blind, to see but not look is to be ignorant. #idca

 I am my own adversary. I can't do anything right. My life is a series of failed attempts and it's killing me, but of course I failed at killing myself as well. It's been months now, and no one knows. I want to tell someone, to get help, to escape this never ending drag pulling me under.  But I don't want my life to change. The thought of others looking at me differently, seeing me through a label of depressed and hopeless, terrifies me. And who am I to tell, my parents? They'd look down on me as an idiotic child. They'd never let me out of their sight. I'd be caged within their walls as i am caged within my own. And they'd only blame eachother. I can't stand the fighting. Every day they use new words to say the same dreadful things.
 My teacher has noticed something isn't right. How many times can I lie and say that all is fine? I want him to know that I respect him, that the issue is all my own, that I know home should be left at the door. I can't say anything though. I can't face him; I can't admit the secret songs of sorrow slipping through my visage. 

Hurricane ...

It's time I gave up hope. It's time that I gave in. It's time that I forget who I was or could have been, cause I am drowning in a wave of darkness. I can't cope.
Cause I have lost my way, have  lost my heart, have lost my soul. And I, I just can't cope when I am lost in my own mind. Incarcerated, prisoner to this ocean I am caged.
It's time that I accept, that things will never change, that time will still move on, and darkness always reigns.
The clouds are always grey when the rain comes raining down. Lightning brighter than the sun roars its haunting thunderous sound.
My eyes are like the clouds.
My tears are like the rain.
My sobs are like the sounds of waves crashing in the storm.
The storm is like my life, spinning faster every day, like a hurricane of pain, like a windy gust of ache.
And you, oh there you are, in the eye of every storm. Your hand reached out to me gets me through, and then throws me in again.
And I am drowning in a wave of darkness I can't cope.
I can't cope.

Run

I want to run too fast and fall too hard. I want to land flat on my face, stand up, brush off, and take off running again. I want to run until it feels like I’m flying. Until my breath is steadied and it’s all second nature. I want to do everything I’m never supposed to do to my heart. Because it’s already broken, so what harm can I do? It’s already shattered, shredded, crushed, and blackened. Hardened into an unmoving stone. So why shouldn’t I run? Run until my legs give out and my cheeks are stained with the grooves of tears locked within my soul for years. Run until there’s nothing left but the sun and the sky, the earth and my breath. Until I’m all alone, like I’ve always been. But I’m free and I’m far from the chains of my home.

Just my universe