Trouble Finding Motivation ...

My name means universal; whole. Universal fits, I do try any and everything. But how can I be whole when I'm in pieces? Tattered, shattered, scattered. How can I be whole when I am a hole? A blip, a dark spot, something missing, an error. I really just want to go to bed and sleep for a very long time. I want these next two weeks to be over and done with. I'd love for my friend to speak to me again. I'd love for life to be simple again. I found mystery gift from kindergarten today. I wish I could just go back to a time before depression, before the world imposed their values upon me. Before I really knew what judgement was, to when being the hardest on myself didn't mean all that much because the mistakes were just so easy to fix. I do have dreams.
I drew up a bucket list today. I highly doubt I'll do everything on it. But it did make me realize there are still things to live for. I think it may keep me from doing anything too rash in the near future. I wonder if that's why people create bucket lists.just to keep them going. Give them something to live fore.
Fasted for two days this week. Haven't checked the scale. I know no matter what I won't lose enough to feel good about myself when I step on that stage. Even at my low weight I wasn't happy. Probably why I'm having trouble finding the motivation to do this.
Everything just seems impossible.

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ I actually ran into "Murphy's law" on Thursday and landed on my head during rehearsal, and had a mental breakdown. Ya :P Friday was a bit better though, minus the headaches. Hope you're doing well.

 

P...retty? no ...

"Emma, you're so p..." I hear it on the tips of her lips. I know what's coming. The letter she uses everyday to poke fun at me. The recognition that I don't fit the mold society has cut. My skin tone, or rather lack there of. Pale. I hear it before she says it. "...retty." The word becomes distorted in my head. That's not the right word. That can't be right. I'm not that girl. I'm not. "Tha-a-a-ank you?" I choke out the words. It's a question. I don't believe it, can't believe it. It's not true. Not me. I'm not. "No, really.  I thought you were so pretty at the rehearsal audition." Now she's tripping over words. This can't be true. I feel so awkward, so exposed. How can she say that? How can she honestly say that? "Thanks." Unsteady, unsure, disbelieving. This isn't true.
Another girl joins in, "yeah!" Panic. Somewhere someone quietly says this is getting awkward . "Can we stop now?" "You gorgeous woman!" "Really, can we stop now?" It knocks around inside my skull 'you gorgeous woman.' She's trying to be nice. She doesn't know. " Thank you, but can we stop?" The web of fissures in my facade is growing. My world is spinning. It's too much. It's all too much.

I told a girl at school that I hope the world does end this December. She said that was horrible. She seemed genuinely surprised. Appalled. Is it really that bad? Really that odd? No, it can't be. I'd never even thought of it before. It was just a hyperbole. I was expressing my exhaustion. But I meant it too.

I can't sleep. Four or five hours of light sleep a night. I can't fall asleep until 1 or 2am long past the time when everyone else has gone to bed. I dream where there used to be the endless expanse of a deep sleep's abyss. The bags below my eyes are ever growing. My eyes are dry and I feel like there's something sharp stuck in the corners, but it never comes out. They ache. My eyebrows are higher than usual in an effort to lift my lids. The ADD I always have is multiplied. It's normal to have three strains of thought. What I should focus on, what's distracting me, and telling myself to focus on the first. I'm exhausted. I'm to scared of what my grades may be to actually look. I have 2 weeks to lose 8 pounds and parents breathing down my neck. I'm required to be in 3 different places at one on May 11th for my only spacing rehearsal, the AP test, and standardized testing. I still haven't read my AP text book. I'm so mad at my friend. I can't stop thinking about a boy that never crossed my mind until she threatened to ruin any and everything. I don't want to do my performance. I'm scared of what New York will be like. Scared of how thin every other ballerina there will be. How much fatter I'll look compared to them. I'm literally clamping my head trying to expel thoughts of regrets which never leave. My mother is talking about being besties forever and all I want is to disappear into the woodwork of the world. I don't know where I want to take my life. I don't find any joy in dance anymore but giving up now seems like such a waste. I'm stretched so thin, but I'm fatter than ever.  I can't stand to look at myself. My brother told my I wasn't fat, I'm paranoid. How dare he?! I am in triple digits. I should be 85lb. All I want is for someone to notice the vacant look in  my eyes. Recognize that my gaze has been fixated on nothing for far too long a period of time. See that I can't stop moving because of nervous energy while it's hard to even get out of my seat. I want them to see the torture in my bones. to count them one by one and wonder what in my life could possible make me want to be thin enough for each successive bone to show. To wonder why my skinny jeans look straight cut and my shirt looks like a dress.
I"m so tired. I just ... I don't know

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ I hope you don't know the feeling too well anymore. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Get some rest lovelies. If you have extra, I'd love some :P

Ruin ...

Are you okay? I'm just tired. You sure? I'm just tired. You okay? I'm just tired.
I say it all day long. I'm just tired. I am tired. I feel like I have no energy left. But I'm not "just" tired. I want you to believe that lie. That lie that's so familiar it's automatic. I want you to believe that lie because the real answer isn't perfect. It's ugly. It's twisted. It's dark.
Are you okay? No. You sure? I'm enraged. You okay? I'm in pain. A deep dragging depression that makes everything ache. My eyes, my hands, my mind, my back, my joints, my stomach, my chest. my heart. Every fiber of my being pasted together by pain and pain alone. Every hope pulled back below the surface laving me numb to the world as I succumb to the fire that's eating me alive. Dying from the inside out. Decaying before your eyes which are blind to the truth I hide. I am hiding. Hiding in plain sight from the life I fear. I, like you, am blinded. I do not see what I will not look at. I will not look at myself. For so long I've looked away. Seen what wasn't there and avoided what was. I no longer know myself. I am lost to the thoughts within m head as I am lost to the world. I can't find my way. I can't break free. I can barely breath. I'm not in control of myself. I am a puppet to this twisted creature. This dark depression. A slave to the choices others make. Indecisive. Unimportant. Unnecessary.
Are you sure you're okay? I'm just tired.

The problem is I care
The problem is I cry
The problem is I let you deep inside
The problem is you make me want to die

Every breath I take
Every choice I make
Everything I do I do to be good enough for you

My smile's fake
I'm hardly awake
But I wake each day to say that I need you

It's all consuming
No escaping
I thought you knew
I needed you
~ me

I got trapped in the stars
And I haven't come down
Because the view from up here
Is detached, safe, and sound.
~ me

You can push me down
You can take away my choice
You can haunt my dreams
You can rob me of my voice
You can crush my heart
You can treat my tears like toys
But as long as there are stars
I'll still be smiling
As long as there is love
I'll search for hope
As long as you are human
I will know
My mind is still my own
And I am free
And I am dancing in the stars eternally
~ me

I just want it at to end. I'm so (pardon my language or skip the next word) *pissed* at my friend right. Now I'm still going to call her that. All of the little things have had me hovering over the boarder and the shed drops a bomb on me. I'm done. I'm done with her. I'm done with social interaction. I'm done with humanity. She was holding me back, making everything take longer. I'll do better without her. I'm so disappointed. I thought I'd finally made a real friend who could understand. She got jealous just like my elementary school friend. Just like every person I allow into more than one part of my life. Any person I share small truths with. She ruined one of my best and most valued platonic relationships by asking if he liked me and insisting he take me out. He hasn't talked to me in days. She is obsessed the guys. It forms her whole world. I know I should feel bad because she's acting out due to lack of a relationship with her father. But that doesn't mean she can storm in and torpedo my life! I've extended every part of my life to her to help her, and this is what I get. Two destroyed friendships. I've been annoyed for so long and haven't wanted to be. This is only making things worse. This is confirming all that I've said. This is her third strike. I'm losing them both. And it's ruining me.

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ If I could know happiness was a breath away ... the breaths I would take. Thank you :) xox

May we all find happiness ladies. 

I'm not saying this as a suicide note or anything, just an expression of emotion, and perhaps a wish for death.

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ It's maddening. But maybe if we go mad and end up in a world our own we'll be happy ... If only I were allowed to dream

Manipulate fire ...

My hands are like ice
and the air feels like fire
The walls condemn me
and pull my chest tighter

My pulse pounds in my temples
distorting the sounds
The world spinning faster
sight set on the ground

The knot in my stomach
like my intertwined fingers
The thoughts in my head
of a past choice which lingers

The look in my eyes
of a pain and desire
To change, to forget,
to manipulate fire

I hope I've found my voice again. If only these blips and glimpses. I feel as though I'm in purgatory. Always slapped in the face with just enough happiness to keep me from doing something , well more drastic than utter self loathing and attempts to starve to death. Why are parents so meddling? Would it really be so hard to let me skip a few weeks of food? It's not like they pay attention to anything else. I have a ****** 4.0 and it means nothing to them. I just want to leave, and breath, and move on with my life. I want to live on my own where no one is watching the food on my plate. I want to be the only one there to notice I never buy food. I want the adrenaline to rush through what's left of my body as I withdraw "food money" and buy clothing a size smaller. I want to watch the numbers disappear, the inches melt away, the bones protrude. I want people to notice. I want to believe it when they say I'm skinny. I want to know it.

Just a few things I've made this week :

 Special thanks to:
Fat Piggy <3

Stay strong ladies! It sounds like you're all doing so well.

 Love <3

Hi ... :/

I know I haven't been here in a while, and I prologize. I'm still alive. I'm just feeling small and insignificant, and like I've lost my voice, and my willpower. I just keep going through the motions of life hoping one day I'll start living, or at the very least, stop. I hope you all are doing well. I'll be here when my voice comes back. I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't have anything to say. Again with small and insignificant. :/

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ It's amazing that you've reached both goals :) I'm sorry nothing is ever good enough, but I know the feeling. People can tell me I have it all, but there's always something out of reach at the back of my mind. Something no one ever sees.

Nightingale ...

Step into the night
To the cold and windy air
The sky so far away
The stars to very near

Pull the blanket tighter
For comfort more than fear
Breath sans hesitation
let night mask all despair

Run from what's behind you
Look back, but don't regret

I shy away from light
The shadow's that it brings
I sink into the night
And let darkness softly sing

Lifted from my grievances
Distanced from my pains
One small breath to get me through
hide what my soul contains
~last night

I sleep because it's the closest thing to death
Because in sleep I never dream
Because my dreams never come true

I sleep because it's my only vice
Because I'm not allowed to starve
Because I'm not allowed to die
 ~Yesterday afternoon


I can't do it. I can't do anything. I can't breath. Nothing is working. I've been more honest with this girl than anyone else and she throws it back in my face repeating the things I don't want anyone to know in front of strangers and friends alike.HONESTY is NOT the best policy. Disregard anyone that tells you differently. If I was always completely honest I would probably be institutionalized right now. Well, more accurately, I'd probably be on drugs of one kind or another. Sometimes I feel like that might be the right thing to do. But I always feel that if I did that I'd lose myself and only pull myself down deeper.
I still haven't weighed myself. I felt like I'd lost yesterday, but I got depressed, and I binged, and I fear I may be at an all time high. I don't even know if I want to know. It won't make a difference. No matter what that number says it will never be enough. So I'll continue without knowing.
Nothing matters anyways. WE all have goals, but we also all end up in the same place. It's just a matter of what path we take. Billions of beginnings, all leading to one end. My only hope is that I reach the end soon, or at the very least, follow the shortest path. It's snowing today :/ I'm in the mood for rain or soon so of course it snows, but I'll make do.I'll be happy some day. I have got to look on the bright side
Bright side. Um. My dog's cute. I finished the Hunger Game's series. It's spring break.
Stay strong ladies. We'll make it :D

Special thanks to :

Katie Ehrlich ~ the first few days were hard, but it does feel good to be free of  it. Still unhappy, but it's one less reason to be unhappy. I'll have to face it eventually, but for now it's nice.