Rain ...

 Kiss me in the rain as if nothing else matters
Pin-pricks of raindrops, and breath on our shoulders
Hold me close and swallow my pain
Wash it all away with rain
Fill me with warmth
And watch my walls fall
Change my world,
But don't change at all

Warm my hands as the wind beats them cold
Press me to you,
never let go

Kiss me in the rain as the world comes down
When it's you and I in silence,
or people all around
Grasp at clinging fabric
Wrap around me tight
Watch me break a smile
There, though small and slight
Fill my life with laughter
Breath and live for bliss
I'd give everything I have to you
I'd give everything for this
 ~ Today

I don't really know what to say today. I'm floating in a limbo somewhere between depression and normalcy. Somewhere between wanting to be comfortable with myself and wanting to be thin. So thin. Thin enough to be scary. Scary enough for people to notice. Notice that I'm different. Different  from everyone else. Everyone else who sees a face in the mirrors. Mirrors that distort my views. Views which follow me everywhere. Everywhere. Everything. Nothing. Everything or nothing? Can nothing at all be everything?
I got hit in the side of the head with a Frisbee during P.E. yesterday. And I cried! I was so mad at myself. I still am. How could I cry? I hate myself in every way and never shed a tear, but  a tap on the head and all of a sudden the water works work? Yet another example of my body betraying me.
Speaking of my body, I don't really know where I'm at. I haven't weighed myself recently, but I'd maintained the last time I checked ... a while ago. :/ I think it's actually part of what's placed me in my limbo. Not seeing and being dependant on that number has taken me out of depression and utter self loathing of my self image. But it will never make me happy. Is limbo a better place than rock bottom? The unknown vs. the known I guess.
Sorry this is scattered, but on Tuesday I had my friend over. She told me I had a nice um, bum. She said " short girls have good *bums* and tall girls have good boobs, but you mess it up because you're short and have both." I don't want either of them. That's all I could think. I want NO *bum*. I hate it, and the hips it accompanies.  She told me I was pretty. My response, "Whatever." It's not true. It can't be true. How could that be true, when there's no life behind my eyes, when I think I'm hideous, when I'm invisible. If I was pretty, wouldn't people notice? Wouldn't I notice? She's the pretty one. The skinny one. The  one with a handful of guys and an outgoing personality. I'm too shy to be pretty.
I hope you all are doing well. Has anyone else joined my limbo?

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ I'm so sorry hon'. No father should say that, though I'm sure mine has at some point too. I like to think he doesn't know what he's saying, but it's always possible I'm deceiving myself.

The pain rains down

But food shouldn't rain on our parade

Stay strong ladies <3

Free as a Bird ...

I think I maintained my 4.0! One teacher hasn't graded a project yet ... I really hope she grades kindly. I feel so much better now. I have acrylic nails, and I picked half of them off this week with nervous energy. I felt horribly about my retake and was on the brink of tears ALL DAY at school. My change in facial expressions must have been comical when my math teacher told me I'd have an A in the class. I was so nervous I'd lose it, so nervous I'd lose the only thing I had. The only thing that was perfect. I keep taking deep breaths relishing in the weight that has been lifted from my  shoulders. Now if only I could lift off the weight of those shoulders ...
I haven't weighed myself in days. I'm scared of what I might weight, I don't want to face reality. But, I also want to prove to myself that I don't need the scale. I don't need that ******** number. If I can break an addiction to the scale, I can break an addiction to binging.
Can I break an addiction to perfection?
I don't know that I want to.
What would I be, if I wasn't trying to be perfect?
Would I be happy? Would I feel loved? Would I feel confidant? Would I feel proud? Would I feel worse?
Light as a feather
Free as the bird
~ The goal
Freedom. Freedom from responsibility. From judgment. From self loathing. From the ever more impossible definition of perfection. Freedom from the past. Freedom from the future. Freedom from worry. From heart break. From regret. From all that makes good days hard in life. Freedom to live in and for bliss. Freedom for the sake of freedom.
Which is farther from my grasp, freedom or perfection?

My dad said he "thought I wanted to be anorexic," because I was eating like a normal person. Some cold cuts, a slice of cheese, hearty soup *shudder.* I shouldn't have eaten that. I shouldn't eat at all. I need to be thinner. Ever thinner. Do you honestly believe I want to never feel pretty? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel joy? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel proud? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel good enough? Do you honestly believe I want to hate what I see in the mirror? Do you honestly believe I want to hate myself? Do you honestly believe I want to feel like death is the only way out, like I'll never find love, like I'll never by happy, like nothing worth while will ever last? Do you honestly believe I want to feel invisible? Do you honestly believe I want to feel lost?
I want to thinner. I want to waste away. I never wanted this. I never wanted to hate myself. I never wanted nourishment, survival, to become the enemy. I never wanted to be my own enemy. I didn't lie awake at night dreaming of depression and emaciation. I do dream of emaciation now. 
~ Sorry, I just needed that out of my system.

On a brighter note :) I learned a little solo that I'm doing at dance that I actually really enjoy. I'm also going to see Hunger Games tonight :D I've only read the first book, it's enough to see the movie. And my hairdresser mixed some copper highlights in with the blond which is kind of fun. Plus I have new acrylics :P Hopefully I won't pick them off this week ...

New quarter. (Last one! {this year}) Adjusted ultimate goal. (Perfection, and freedom.) New outfit. ( Got a compliment.)
Always look on the bright side of life, right?

Special Thanks To:

 Gymnast ~ I'm glad you liked them :)

Katie Ehrlich
~ Thank you both so much <3

Fly Free lovelies

Only wish ...

The world swirls around me, my sight has a  yellow hue.
 The teacher drones, inside I moan,
 and students study on
My head is grey and foggy, my thoughts a busy whir
Drowning in plain sight
They'll never notice her

She, the girl that fights within
She who sees that food is sin
She who hears not what they say,
Who self destructs anyway
She who's lost, but never found
She who's eyes sink through the ground
She who thinks there's nothing more
Who longs to go back to before

Trapped within a drowning soul
Caged within an endless goal

I am who they'll never see, the girl who wars inside of me
I am drowning in plain sight
I'm the girl within my eyes
I am the girl who hides beneath a smile
Who cries,
still smiling all the while
~ Tuesday

My smile and grin
Is paper thin
It hides the soul within

The girl you see
Was never me
She masks who I've let be

For now I wait
'till it's too late
beneath depression's weight

When time is done
and death has won
We'll see who I've become
 ~ Wednesday

Just some things if written during school this week. I feel dreadful that it's been so long. The quarter ends tomorrow and I've been stressing over my grades. I have to retake a test at 6:45 am tomorrow in math, and beg and grovel at my AP teacher's feet, but I should keep my 4.0. I hope I do. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. I think I'll address that when it happens though.
It wasn't the best of weeks, it wasn't the worst of weeks. Dance is going fairly well, although my joints hurt a bit. I need to stop dancing during P.E. I think turning in running shoes on the gym floor is weakening the ligaments in my knees, so I'm going to give them a rest. Plus we're doing volley ball, and with my utter lack of hand eye coordination, I should probably stay focused :P
A classmate's mother said she would have hated students like her son in high school. I saw where she was coming from, his intellect can be obnoxious at times, but my parents had never said anything like that before. I jinxed myself. My mother told me I'm they type of person you'd love to hate. She then caught herself and said that I'm just "so quirky you have to love me." Isn't "quirky" sort  of like when people say the crazy girl is "exuberant" or the ugly girl is "so sweet?" Ugh, I don't even know any more. I'm just so sick of everything.
Since I was a little child my wish has been only one thing, the prayer at the back of my mind is always the same. "Kill me now. Please, kill me now." After so many years,  it just becomes hard to believe there's really someone looking down on me. Looking out for me. But at the same time, I still ask. I still believe. I believe in a more powerful being. I just don't think I believe in a better being, a greater being.

I don't understand why nothing keeps me happy. I tried on a size 0 prom dress today, it fit perfectly. I loved it. But I still wasn't happy. I still feel fat. I still feel inadequate. I still want less. Thinner. Smaller. Two dimensional. A breath, a feather, a pearl. A precious stone. A precarious branch. A twig. Ready to snap at any moment, strained by the weight of life's fruit. I want to waste away.
My parents want me to chase my dreams. Would they support the only dream I'm truly after? The only end I want to reach? No. If I had a child, would I support them in this position?
In ancient times, suicide was honorable. Now it's selfish. What's changed?
Do I really want to commit suicide? If that's what I wanted, wouldn't I  have tried by now?
I want my life to end. I just don't want to end it.
Sorry for such a random post, and such a gap between posts. I need to get on here every day.
We will do it ladies :)

Special Thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ Thank you, and I hope so. I took hip hop when I was about 8, it wasn't my forte either :P I just remember calling the teacher Bunny Rabbit.

4!

I search the mirror for something to appear, anything that wasn't there before. The skin is clear, the hair is long, but the eyes are there, and nothing more. The light that danced within them has been doused in years of doubt. The fire that burned behind them is ashen, long burned out. The flicker of a candle, and i see the beauty's there. A gentle breeze of thought proves to much for light to bear.
Darkness presses down on me, drowning out the sound. I just want to find the light a keep it burning strong.
First week of 16. I keep looking for changes, for a reason someone would notice me. I stare in the mirror and I don't see anything. Not me now, not me then. I don't see any of it. I know that nothings truly changed, that I'm the same person I was last week, but I don't want to believe that. Every year that passes and I'm still trapped in my head is another year too long. I want to start living. I want things to change. I'm ready, and even if I'm not I don't care. I want to see that light in the distance, because it's better the light at the end of the tunnel, than the utter emptiness of eternity. I'm ready for that light, be it large or the size of a pinpoint.
Intake was around 1500 D:  but I still managed to lose. I have NO clue how. 104, up from before but down from yesterday. I bought protein bars today. All I can have for the next week. If I'm not under 100 by the end of march so help me. I'm ready for this.
Dance was good :) I did a PERFECT quadruple turn. Best of all, the teacher actually saw it. Has anyone else noticed you only do something incredible when no one is paying attention? But she saw it! The entire class did. I was elated.
So 4! because I did 4 turns, and I'm 104. It's just a 4 kind of day.
We're ready for anything ladies :D

Special thanks to:

Gymnast~I love cake too :P well, love hate. Thank you so much and I'm trying, promise :)
Katie Ehrlich~Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your mother's choices, it's hard to watch. I'd say I don't have any troubles with guys, but I avoid them altogether so ...

B-day

I want to scratch myself until I bleed
And starve until I die

I want to take a pill for everything
And kill the life inside

I want to lay there lifelessly
A cold contorted face

Nothing left to mask the pain
No beauty hope or grace

I want to burn my throat with all
The bile of my form

I want to watch it eat away
And leave me scarred and worn

I do not care who knows it now
I don't care what they say

I'm not their perfect person
And I'll never be that way

I want to see him looming there
In robes as dark as night

I want to see his sheath held high
glinting in the light

The blade so sharp so cold so smooth
A shiver and a thrill

A total loss of memory
A total loss of will

~ written at 1 am the day of my birthday(yesterday.) Quite the perfect start. I didn't even make a wish with my birthday candles, and I didn't care that I hadn't. I'd fallen asleep on the couch so when my mother came home at midnight she woke me up to go to bed. Her boyfriend was there. The boyfriend she spent a week and a half telling us was a narcissist and a sociopath after he broke up with her. . To say the least, seeing my mother make poor decisions put a damper in my mood.  Then I opened the Mickey Mouse statue I'd been so excited about and Mickey was decapitated. The arms were falling off of both mickey and Minnie and Minnie's eyelashes were broken off. And the above was written. After this I went to bed and woke up later in the morning to a better day.
 My mom woke me up a little before 8 with my cake and I convinced her not to take pictures. Cake in bed. Then I got ready for dance and we went to Jamba juice because I could get a free 16 oz. The cute boy behind the counter gave me a free upgrade to the free smoothie. Originals are huge so I saved half of it for lunch. When I got to dance the little girls ambushed me at the door with"happy birthday." It scared the crap out of me, but it was really cute. I was at dance from 9 until 3 then went home. I got ready and went to see a show. The girl I'll be rooming with this summer is amazing, and so thin. Maybe it'll be good for me to see her habits. Does that sound weird? It feels kind of creepy ...  The evening ended with miso soup and sushi.
My three day liquid fast didn't happen. I maintained, so at least I didn't gain. Given all of the sugar in this house from a week of birthday celebrations I guess I shouldn't complain.
Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I've meant to but my mom is always on my computer.

Special thanks to:

Gymnast ~ Thank you. You'll get there, I'm sue of it :) You're doing really well!

Hope you all had a good St. Patrick's Day! We'll get there ladies. No goal is out of our reach :)

Be interesting day ...

First off, the title. It's a running joke with a fiend of mine from health class. When we were learning about blood types (B positive, B negative) it became our new "how are you." A be positive day was a good day, be negative, bad. Over time we introduced things like be neutral etc. Today I said be interesting.
Today was a "be interesting" day for several reasons. To begin, I brought all of my books and papers, and even my calculator to school, but I forgot my backpack. Who forgets their backpack when they go to school? Who forgets their backpack, and remembers everything else? Apparently I do. An interesting start to the day. Thankfully we received our graded projects from sewing 1st period, and they were drawstring back-sacks. Perfect. :) In English I finished part of my project, but of course  now I must write a monologue. I don't know where to begin. I know that my inner dialogue could surpass the length requirement, but it might also surpass the thresh hold of normalcy, and I don't want to be sent to the school psychologist. Health was uneventful, and I honestly believe I failed my chemistry test. Then there was dance. I currently live by a teacher's saying "if you rest, you rust." It gives me the motivation I need to keep giving it my all, and with everything I see reflected in the mirror with every turn of the head during class, I know I need that motivation. I weighed heavily on that mantra during my first class. It was a flexible day, and I felt strong, but nothing was working. I was ready to bash my head against the wall. The second class was much the same. It's with younger girls, and they were turning better than I was. Our instructor spoke, and I tried again. If you rest, you rust. I did a perfect triple. Three beautiful rotations, perfectly placed, and the instructor actually saw it. I tried again. Four. Again. Four. Again. Again. Again. Again and again and again. 3, 4, 4, 3, 3, 5. 5!! I left class on cloud nine. Finally, I had broken the barrier.
And all of this, was on two glasses of green tea. :D My liquid fast went fairly well. I didn't make it all the way though.
Breakfast: Green tea with honey: 40ish cal
Lunch: Green tea with honey: 40ish cal
Dinner: Green tea with honey: 40ish cal
Then I broke. My mother brought home a feast. I drank my tea and tried to ignore it, but with the aroma in the air and my tea gone I started opening the pantry. Thinking of carbs, and lots of them. I ate some of the Cobb salad she'd brought; no dressing. 3 or 4 bites. 3 bites of BBQ beans. I knew it was that or binge later. I'm happy with my choice.
All in all: around 300-350 calories.
Not the ideal 0, but better than the usual 1200 :( I'm ashamed of that number. This should be the new usual. It will be :)The scales did not tip in my favor. 103 lb. I was trying so hard not to get on the scale, but I was jittery. I pondered the number that would appear all day. I was like a drug addict. I needed the number. I  needed the scale. I needed to know.
I need to let go. This is unhealthy. I shouldn't need the scale. I shouldn't need the numbers. Numbers shouldn't make or brake me. That number shouldn't determine who I am. That number shouldn't guide my every thought. That number shouldn't drive my mood. That number shouldn't rule my mind. That number shouldn't mean so much. That number.
It does.

 

Special Thanks to ~

 Gymnast

Glad to hear from you as well, and thank you

If you rest, you rust.

Let's not rust, stay strong beautiful! Yes, I mean you.

Sunny :)

Sorry I haven't been very consistent lately, it was definitely one of those weeks though. I still feel a bit trapped. Treading water in and ever expanding sea. At least I don't want to kill myself anymore. All I really want is to get out of here and start fresh, and start thin. I know that for my height I'm healthy, but I want to turn heads. I want to be beautiful,  but so much more than that I want to feel beautiful. Anyone can be beautiful in a lover's eyes. Anyone can feel beautiful in their body. Not everyone must reach so far for a body that they don't hate. But why am I not anyone?
All I can think about is fat. Skin. Flesh. All I can think about is how I want as little as possible. My friend comes over and all she does is eat. I do too, I don't want her to suspect. It sinks like a canon ball in my stomach, rolling, heavy, huge. I want it out. I want it to never go in. I want to live on air, light and buoyant, lifting my into the sky. I want to fly. I want to soar. I want the world to be beautiful below me.
I'm not going to talk about intake today, but I will in the future.
Thursday ended up being a pretty good day. We did a puppet show in Spanish. It was horrifically hilarious. I actually managed to stay awake and take some notes in AP. Dance wasn't terrible.
Friday was better. I finished my bag and  pillow case early in sewing so I got to wander around and talk to people. My English test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We colored in health. I didn't manage to stay awake and take notes in Chemistry. But I talked to friends after school. And it was SUNNY! I have missed the sun so much. I love the warmth and the light. I hate the sunburns, but I love the sunshine. I hope the weather stays cheery :) Maybe it will finally wake me up from my funk. I swear I've been an ugly dumb blond half asleep and barely there for 3 months and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of it. I thought that if I stopped trying to please others I'd find people that like me for who I am. All I found was that it's really sad to live without your heart, because mine has been in New York ever since I left. My only fear is that finding my heart again will be just as difficult as finding my head again, and I haven't even managed that yet. I hope I find both soon. I hope I find love, and friendship and joy. I hope  I find confidence in myself and trust in others. Because I'm ready to move on.
I'm going on a liquid fast. I'll start with 3 days. I want to lose as much as possible, because the best present would be a missing digit on the scale this Saturday.
On that note, it's my b-day sat. A very sweet sixteen. Never even had the kindergarten playground kiss. I'm getting the most adorable mickey mouse statue. I keep calling it my one decoration for my dorm room in NY. I can't wait to open the box which has been sitting in the entryway for weeks.
I think I'm going to go work out now, because it truly feels like I have a cannon ball in my stomach.
Much love. Stay strong :)

All those days ...

Do you ever have those weeks where the days blend together? Where every day could be any day, because all days are the same? Do you ever get stuck in that eternal  rut and wonder if you'll get out soon?
I'm having one of those weeks. I'm having "all those days." I'm wondering if I'll ever get out. I know people move on. I know people forget. I know people can change. I know people lose weight. I know people try. I know people dream. I know people plan their own futures in their hands. But I've never learned to forget. I have dreams of what could have been. I have dreams about people and mistakes I've made years, and years before. I never try hard enough to please everyone because I am never pleased with myself. And for every dream I have of the past, I can never see myself with a future. There is then, there is now, there is no future. I'm trapped in the path that I carved in the earth before I knew what was worth carving. My foot tread is heavy in old memories ground into my mind forever. My thoughts flash and flicker between then and now confusing my illusion of reality. I want change. I want new. I want thin. I want love. I want every day to be different. I want every memory to be worth it. I want all my thoughts to swirl around here and now, but the here and now I live in isn't worth it. Everywhere I turn there are reminders of those painful memories, ghosts of triggers passed. Everything I hear is a jab like a stab sinking my feet ever further.
My mother said I was struggling with my weight. I died a little. She tried to take it back and say I'm fine. But, the damage had been done, more self loathing had begun, and I sunk in my rut ever further.
Goal updates
grades ~  7% in H. Chem.; 13% in AP Euro; 2% in Pre-Calculus

Weight ~ 5 lbs. to first goal.

Room ~ bed full of laundry to fold, baskets of laundry to do, trash, junk box, vacuum, clean.
Bathroom ~ random things to put away, clean.
Backpack ~ new pencils, organize, organize my AP  binder, get caught up on AP hw.
~ do my P.T. exercises.
~ don't eat.
Stay strong lovelies <3

Deep breath. Light as a feather, soft as a breath, smooth as silk, pale as alabaster stone, rare as diamonds, bright as the sun.
Should I be concerned that I can't bring myself to care about anything? I can literally see the weight I've put on, but I still won't stop eating. I know I look horrible when I go to school, but I still won't try. I roll out of bed and throw on anything that fits. If I brush my hair, it's a good day. On a bad day, I leave in yesterdays french braid.

Iron Wall

I just cant take it any more. I want it all to end so badly, but I can't bring myself to do it. Because I am pathetic. I don't care how many people tell me this or that, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I've spent my whole life dancing and I'll go nowhere. It doesn't change the fact that my brain has driven me mad trying to keep itself entertained because my parents keep my body busy instead of my mind. Nothing can change the fact that I don't want to be the beautiful dancer everyone seems to think I can, will, should, WHATEVER, be. I'm not a ballerina. I'm not a bunhead. I'm just a head.
I keep getting brochures and letters from colleges because of my testing scores. Every single one is like a slap across my face. My mother said I was a house divided, dance and school. All I can see in my head is something wrapped so tightly and stretched so thin being pulled to a point where a tear is inevitable. I see myself as a thin faded fabric. So thin you can see through me without obstruction. So faded you can no longer tell what I am. So weak the thought of a tear could destroy me. So light you can't tell I'm there.
I'm invisible, but I know I am seen. I feel helpless, powerless, trapped in rut destined for a future I didn't want with an iron wall blocking the way. Where can I go? What can I do?

"Sorry, Emma"

There's a boy in my sewing class who used to be in my Spanish class. The first week of school I read something aloud in Spanish. Read, no comprehension required. The class decided I was a Spanish genius and will never let me forget it. I'm really not. But that's just a bit of background. Yesterday in sewing he and I were at  the teaches table where she was explaining the next step  of our project. He kind of pushed me when he shoved in to see and said "sorry, Emma." Then she showed us what to do, and I did it. I don't remember what he said prior, but it was fallowed by, "We can't all be perfect, Emma," which was then followed by "Sorry, Emma."
We can't all be perfect. What on earth is he saying?! Did he even realize what he was implying? I'm not perfect! I'm 20 lbs., 1 in., a 4.o, a high arabesque, beautiful feet, a dancer's body,  mental stability, self confidence, social acceptance, and the list goes on away from perfect. And while it was reassuring in a sense to hear that my facade was still held strong, he said it as a bad thing. I want to be perfect so that people will like me. I want to be perfect so that I can have a perfect friend, a perfect love. Is the perfection that I seek truly only going to make me even more excluded than I already am? Will my peace of mind when I reach perfection be shattered by everyone else? Can't they see I'm destroying myself for them? What do you do when the very thing you desire, will bring upon you your ruin?
"Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." "Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." "Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." It's all I can hear. It's driving me mad. "Sorry, Emma.""Sorry, Emma.""Sorry, Emma." Sorry for what? Sorry, you'll never fit in? Sorry, you need to be better at being bad? Sorry, no one likes perfect? Sorry, for what? Why are you apologizing? What do you want to take back? Am I not perfect? I know I'm not, it was a hyperbole. Can you see through my facade? Can you see who I am? What a desolate desperate place the landscape of my mind has become? What are you apologizing for? Please, why are you apologizing? Why?
Should one moment, one phrase, be able to do this to me? At dance I have to keep telling myself, I'm not here for them. I'm here for me. I have to say it because every single mistake of the thousands I make I worry what they all think. Do I need to tell myself I'm here for me everywhere I go? Isn't that selfish? Selfish is not perfect.
Speaking of perfect I finally found a way to lose weight. Fast 100% entirely and completely, run two miles, and dance for 3 hours, plus conditioning during free time. Sadly it's easier said than done. So is a 4.0 in high school. I have a B-, a B,  a B+, and an A-. The quarter ends in 20 days. How the heck am I supposed to bring those grades up? I need that 4.o. I need Perfect write there in writing. I also need to get under 100 lb. I'm so tired of triple digits. I'm 5/3, I'm a dancer, this is unacceptable! And so the goals begin again
Weight ~ 5 lbs. to first goal.
Grades ~ 14% to go in AP; 10% to go in P.E.; 8% to go in H. Chem; 3% to go in Pre-Calc.
Room ~ bed full of laundry to fold, baskets of laundry to do, trash, junk box, vacuum, clean.
Bathroom ~ random things to put away, clean.
Backpack ~ new pencils, organize, organize my AP  binder, get caught up on AP hw.
~ do my P.T. exercises.
~ don't eat.
I can do this. We can do this. You can do whatever you put your mind to.

To perfection, and being someone inspiration for someone else.