There's a boy in my sewing class who used to be in my Spanish class. The first week of school I read something aloud in Spanish. Read, no comprehension required. The class decided I was a Spanish genius and will never let me forget it. I'm really not. But that's just a bit of background. Yesterday in sewing he and I were at the teaches table where she was explaining the next step of our project. He kind of pushed me when he shoved in to see and said "sorry, Emma." Then she showed us what to do, and I did it. I don't remember what he said prior, but it was fallowed by, "We can't all be perfect, Emma," which was then followed by "Sorry, Emma."
We can't all be perfect. What on earth is he saying?! Did he even realize what he was implying? I'm not perfect! I'm 20 lbs., 1 in., a 4.o, a high arabesque, beautiful feet, a dancer's body, mental stability, self confidence, social acceptance, and the list goes on away from perfect. And while it was reassuring in a sense to hear that my facade was still held strong, he said it as a bad thing. I want to be perfect so that people will like me. I want to be perfect so that I can have a perfect friend, a perfect love. Is the perfection that I seek truly only going to make me even more excluded than I already am? Will my peace of mind when I reach perfection be shattered by everyone else? Can't they see I'm destroying myself for them? What do you do when the very thing you desire, will bring upon you your ruin?
"Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." "Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." "Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." It's all I can hear. It's driving me mad. "Sorry, Emma.""Sorry, Emma.""Sorry, Emma." Sorry for what? Sorry, you'll never fit in? Sorry, you need to be better at being bad? Sorry, no one likes perfect? Sorry, for what? Why are you apologizing? What do you want to take back? Am I not perfect? I know I'm not, it was a hyperbole. Can you see through my facade? Can you see who I am? What a desolate desperate place the landscape of my mind has become? What are you apologizing for? Please, why are you apologizing? Why?
Should one moment, one phrase, be able to do this to me? At dance I have to keep telling myself, I'm not here for them. I'm here for me. I have to say it because every single mistake of the thousands I make I worry what they all think. Do I need to tell myself I'm here for me everywhere I go? Isn't that selfish? Selfish is not perfect.
Speaking of perfect I finally found a way to lose weight. Fast 100% entirely and completely, run two miles, and dance for 3 hours, plus conditioning during free time. Sadly it's easier said than done. So is a 4.0 in high school. I have a B-, a B, a B+, and an A-. The quarter ends in 20 days. How the heck am I supposed to bring those grades up? I need that 4.o. I need Perfect write there in writing. I also need to get under 100 lb. I'm so tired of triple digits. I'm 5/3, I'm a dancer, this is unacceptable! And so the goals begin again
Weight ~ 5 lbs. to first goal.
Grades ~ 14% to go in AP; 10% to go in P.E.; 8% to go in H. Chem; 3% to go in Pre-Calc.
Room ~ bed full of laundry to fold, baskets of laundry to do, trash, junk box, vacuum, clean.
Bathroom ~ random things to put away, clean.
Backpack ~ new pencils, organize, organize my AP binder, get caught up on AP hw.
~ do my P.T. exercises.
~ don't eat.
I can do this. We can do this. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
To perfection, and being someone inspiration for someone else.
We can't all be perfect. What on earth is he saying?! Did he even realize what he was implying? I'm not perfect! I'm 20 lbs., 1 in., a 4.o, a high arabesque, beautiful feet, a dancer's body, mental stability, self confidence, social acceptance, and the list goes on away from perfect. And while it was reassuring in a sense to hear that my facade was still held strong, he said it as a bad thing. I want to be perfect so that people will like me. I want to be perfect so that I can have a perfect friend, a perfect love. Is the perfection that I seek truly only going to make me even more excluded than I already am? Will my peace of mind when I reach perfection be shattered by everyone else? Can't they see I'm destroying myself for them? What do you do when the very thing you desire, will bring upon you your ruin?
"Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." "Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." "Sorry, Emma." "We can't all be perfect." "Sorry, Emma." It's all I can hear. It's driving me mad. "Sorry, Emma.""Sorry, Emma.""Sorry, Emma." Sorry for what? Sorry, you'll never fit in? Sorry, you need to be better at being bad? Sorry, no one likes perfect? Sorry, for what? Why are you apologizing? What do you want to take back? Am I not perfect? I know I'm not, it was a hyperbole. Can you see through my facade? Can you see who I am? What a desolate desperate place the landscape of my mind has become? What are you apologizing for? Please, why are you apologizing? Why?
Should one moment, one phrase, be able to do this to me? At dance I have to keep telling myself, I'm not here for them. I'm here for me. I have to say it because every single mistake of the thousands I make I worry what they all think. Do I need to tell myself I'm here for me everywhere I go? Isn't that selfish? Selfish is not perfect.
Speaking of perfect I finally found a way to lose weight. Fast 100% entirely and completely, run two miles, and dance for 3 hours, plus conditioning during free time. Sadly it's easier said than done. So is a 4.0 in high school. I have a B-, a B, a B+, and an A-. The quarter ends in 20 days. How the heck am I supposed to bring those grades up? I need that 4.o. I need Perfect write there in writing. I also need to get under 100 lb. I'm so tired of triple digits. I'm 5/3, I'm a dancer, this is unacceptable! And so the goals begin again
Weight ~ 5 lbs. to first goal.
Grades ~ 14% to go in AP; 10% to go in P.E.; 8% to go in H. Chem; 3% to go in Pre-Calc.
Room ~ bed full of laundry to fold, baskets of laundry to do, trash, junk box, vacuum, clean.
Bathroom ~ random things to put away, clean.
Backpack ~ new pencils, organize, organize my AP binder, get caught up on AP hw.
~ do my P.T. exercises.
~ don't eat.
I can do this. We can do this. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
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