Do you ever have those weeks where the days blend together? Where every day could be any day, because all days are the same? Do you ever get stuck in that eternal rut and wonder if you'll get out soon?
I'm having one of those weeks. I'm having "all those days." I'm wondering if I'll ever get out. I know people move on. I know people forget. I know people can change. I know people lose weight. I know people try. I know people dream. I know people plan their own futures in their hands. But I've never learned to forget. I have dreams of what could have been. I have dreams about people and mistakes I've made years, and years before. I never try hard enough to please everyone because I am never pleased with myself. And for every dream I have of the past, I can never see myself with a future. There is then, there is now, there is no future. I'm trapped in the path that I carved in the earth before I knew what was worth carving. My foot tread is heavy in old memories ground into my mind forever. My thoughts flash and flicker between then and now confusing my illusion of reality. I want change. I want new. I want thin. I want love. I want every day to be different. I want every memory to be worth it. I want all my thoughts to swirl around here and now, but the here and now I live in isn't worth it. Everywhere I turn there are reminders of those painful memories, ghosts of triggers passed. Everything I hear is a jab like a stab sinking my feet ever further.
My mother said I was struggling with my weight. I died a little. She tried to take it back and say I'm fine. But, the damage had been done, more self loathing had begun, and I sunk in my rut ever further.
Goal updates
grades ~ 7% in H. Chem.; 13% in AP Euro; 2% in Pre-Calculus
Weight ~ 5 lbs. to first goal.
Room ~ bed full of laundry to fold, baskets of laundry to do, trash, junk box, vacuum, clean.
Bathroom ~ random things to put away, clean.
Backpack ~ new pencils, organize, organize my AP binder, get caught up on AP hw.
~ do my P.T. exercises.
~ don't eat.
Stay strong lovelies <3
I'm having one of those weeks. I'm having "all those days." I'm wondering if I'll ever get out. I know people move on. I know people forget. I know people can change. I know people lose weight. I know people try. I know people dream. I know people plan their own futures in their hands. But I've never learned to forget. I have dreams of what could have been. I have dreams about people and mistakes I've made years, and years before. I never try hard enough to please everyone because I am never pleased with myself. And for every dream I have of the past, I can never see myself with a future. There is then, there is now, there is no future. I'm trapped in the path that I carved in the earth before I knew what was worth carving. My foot tread is heavy in old memories ground into my mind forever. My thoughts flash and flicker between then and now confusing my illusion of reality. I want change. I want new. I want thin. I want love. I want every day to be different. I want every memory to be worth it. I want all my thoughts to swirl around here and now, but the here and now I live in isn't worth it. Everywhere I turn there are reminders of those painful memories, ghosts of triggers passed. Everything I hear is a jab like a stab sinking my feet ever further.
My mother said I was struggling with my weight. I died a little. She tried to take it back and say I'm fine. But, the damage had been done, more self loathing had begun, and I sunk in my rut ever further.
Goal updates
grades ~ 7% in H. Chem.; 13% in AP Euro; 2% in Pre-Calculus
Weight ~ 5 lbs. to first goal.
Room ~ bed full of laundry to fold, baskets of laundry to do, trash, junk box, vacuum, clean.
Bathroom ~ random things to put away, clean.
Backpack ~ new pencils, organize, organize my AP binder, get caught up on AP hw.
~ do my P.T. exercises.
~ don't eat.
Stay strong lovelies <3
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