I can't think. There are always words but they never come. I can't connect ideas anymore. I have to try so hard just to focus, just to drown out the world long enough to comprehend what I should have been doing, let alone what I should be doing and what everyone else is doing. It just doesn't feel worth it anymore. I'm only doing things because that's what I used to do. That's no way to live a life. That's no way to grow. I look at myself and I Hate what I see.
I want so badly to feel loved, but it's impossible. I never see enough to be worth it, so how can I feel it? And it's the thing I'm most afraid of. The thought of what it could become. What my parents have been through. What I've been through. Everyone. Everywhere I look I see heartbreak. I see one deflated spirit after another. I don't want to believe it.
I just want to get away; I want to escape it all. But I feel the weight of anchors pulling me away from the surface, from the break in the see. That brief view where two worlds collide. I need air. I can't breath down here. My fragile framework was not meant to sustain this much pressure. It's getting stronger and I'm caving in. I can't breath. I can't see. I'm spinning. The current is spinning. And still the anchor is sinking .. Where is the floor of sand-brushed stone? Where is the end? What is this space between the weight and the light? Why am I trapped here? Is there no escape? my hands are not tied and yet I' am bound. Have I no choice?
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I have a goal and I have to get there. I want to maintain my 4.0 GPA, which at this point means get an A in AP US History, and I want to weigh 102 lb. Ultimately I want to weight 96/98 which is a BMI of 17-17.5. The goal is to have achieved both by the end of the quarter on Nov. 1st. One month.I hope I can do it. I know I must do it. 10lb in 30 days. 2lbs a week. It can happen. It's even considered "healthy" weight loss.
I got my drivers license a week ago and now have the car twice a week. I can go to the gym for a few hours after ballet for "cross training" and run and lift weights and deplete what little energy I have.I'll also need to work on going to bed earlier which means I need to manage my time more efficiently.
Last week I discovered that there are a lot more hours in the day when you only sleep for four, but I realize that isn't healthy and since I'm trying to improve mind and body, I'll need my sleep.
Schedule:
5:30 ~ wake up, get dressed, avoid mirrors
5:45-6:25 ~ BC Calculus hw
6:30~ walk to bus
7:00~ arrive at school, put protein bar in locker ( what mom thinks I ate for breakfast), finish calculus
7:55~ in class
11:00~ "lunch" do homework assigned in first and second period, piece of fruit if necessary
11:25~ in class
2:45~ get home, change for ballet, DO NOT EAT ANYTHING!!!
3:00~ leave for dance
MW 6~ go home finish homework, barely eat family dinner (if there is one)
TUTH 7-8:20 ~ gym, pick dad up at trax
9:30~ shower
MW10:00 in bed.
TUTH 11:00 in bed (hw from 10-11)
lather rinse repeat.
Antithesis
The straw that breaks the camel's back ...
My younger brother is sick, he's going to the doctor's tomorrow. It started with a little scratchy throat a week or week and a half ago. From there he has gotten continually worse. He hates medications and refuses to take cough syrup. My parents are bothed finished with him. He's difficult. Trust me I KNOW he's difficult. He's obnoxious, he's rude, he yells, he's stubborn, he's difficult. But at some point environment kicks in. I talked to him a little bit last year. Every once in a while I try to reach out. The progression over the years from confusion, to sadness, anger, and depression is evident looking back. Anyhow, I know he's depressed. His behaviour has gotten worse though. He doesn't eat, at all. He's skin and bones. His body can't withstand an illness.
And my mother just wants to toss him to my dad. She doesn't want to be responsible for this. But my dad is just as frustrated with him. He's being held to the same expectation as I, but he isn't willing to compromise his will and play the part. He can't get that 4.0, it's not in his nature. He can't put on a smile. All he wants is some TLC. He wants to be a kid again. We both do. We both want to retreat into the faded past. He wants school to be flexible and my mom to take care of him. If she would take the time to listen and observe she'd see that he just wants help.
He wants to talk to her but every time they try they butt heads. they're both lost in their own worlds and incessant that the world they've created is rooted in perfect truth.
I don't know what to do. We're falling apart. I love him as much as I can, but he can be so hard to love.
And so ends what could have been a good week, because yesterday I actually felt happy for the first time in a very long time. But the light has slipped my grasp, as intangible as ever.
Down a pound. B+ in AP US. 1 month ... here goes.
My younger brother is sick, he's going to the doctor's tomorrow. It started with a little scratchy throat a week or week and a half ago. From there he has gotten continually worse. He hates medications and refuses to take cough syrup. My parents are bothed finished with him. He's difficult. Trust me I KNOW he's difficult. He's obnoxious, he's rude, he yells, he's stubborn, he's difficult. But at some point environment kicks in. I talked to him a little bit last year. Every once in a while I try to reach out. The progression over the years from confusion, to sadness, anger, and depression is evident looking back. Anyhow, I know he's depressed. His behaviour has gotten worse though. He doesn't eat, at all. He's skin and bones. His body can't withstand an illness.
And my mother just wants to toss him to my dad. She doesn't want to be responsible for this. But my dad is just as frustrated with him. He's being held to the same expectation as I, but he isn't willing to compromise his will and play the part. He can't get that 4.0, it's not in his nature. He can't put on a smile. All he wants is some TLC. He wants to be a kid again. We both do. We both want to retreat into the faded past. He wants school to be flexible and my mom to take care of him. If she would take the time to listen and observe she'd see that he just wants help.
He wants to talk to her but every time they try they butt heads. they're both lost in their own worlds and incessant that the world they've created is rooted in perfect truth.
I don't know what to do. We're falling apart. I love him as much as I can, but he can be so hard to love.
And so ends what could have been a good week, because yesterday I actually felt happy for the first time in a very long time. But the light has slipped my grasp, as intangible as ever.
Down a pound. B+ in AP US. 1 month ... here goes.
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