I can't think. There are always words but they never come. I can't connect ideas anymore. I have to try so hard just to focus, just to drown out the world long enough to comprehend what I should have been doing, let alone what I should be doing and what everyone else is doing. It just doesn't feel worth it anymore. I'm only doing things because that's what I used to do. That's no way to live a life. That's no way to grow. I look at myself and I Hate what I see.
I want so badly to feel loved, but it's impossible. I never see enough to be worth it, so how can I feel it? And it's the thing I'm most afraid of. The thought of what it could become. What my parents have been through. What I've been through. Everyone. Everywhere I look I see heartbreak. I see one deflated spirit after another. I don't want to believe it.
I just want to get away; I want to escape it all. But I feel the weight of anchors pulling me away from the surface, from the break in the see. That brief view where two worlds collide. I need air. I can't breath down here. My fragile framework was not meant to sustain this much pressure. It's getting stronger and I'm caving in. I can't breath. I can't see. I'm spinning. The current is spinning. And still the anchor is sinking .. Where is the floor of sand-brushed stone? Where is the end? What is this space between the weight and the light? Why am I trapped here? Is there no escape? my hands are not tied and yet I' am bound. Have I no choice?
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I have a goal and I have to get there. I want to maintain my 4.0 GPA, which at this point means get an A in AP US History, and I want to weigh 102 lb. Ultimately I want to weight 96/98 which is a BMI of 17-17.5. The goal is to have achieved both by the end of the quarter on Nov. 1st. One month.I hope I can do it. I know I must do it. 10lb in 30 days. 2lbs a week. It can happen. It's even considered "healthy" weight loss.
I got my drivers license a week ago and now have the car twice a week. I can go to the gym for a few hours after ballet for "cross training" and run and lift weights and deplete what little energy I have.I'll also need to work on going to bed earlier which means I need to manage my time more efficiently.
Last week I discovered that there are a lot more hours in the day when you only sleep for four, but I realize that isn't healthy and since I'm trying to improve mind and body, I'll need my sleep.
Schedule:
5:30 ~ wake up, get dressed, avoid mirrors
5:45-6:25 ~ BC Calculus hw
6:30~ walk to bus
7:00~ arrive at school, put protein bar in locker ( what mom thinks I ate for breakfast), finish calculus
7:55~ in class
11:00~ "lunch" do homework assigned in first and second period, piece of fruit if necessary
11:25~ in class
2:45~ get home, change for ballet, DO NOT EAT ANYTHING!!!
3:00~ leave for dance
MW 6~ go home finish homework, barely eat family dinner (if there is one)
TUTH 7-8:20 ~ gym, pick dad up at trax
9:30~ shower
MW10:00 in bed.
TUTH 11:00 in bed (hw from 10-11)
lather rinse repeat.
Antithesis
The straw that breaks the camel's back ...
My younger brother is sick, he's going to the doctor's tomorrow. It started with a little scratchy throat a week or week and a half ago. From there he has gotten continually worse. He hates medications and refuses to take cough syrup. My parents are bothed finished with him. He's difficult. Trust me I KNOW he's difficult. He's obnoxious, he's rude, he yells, he's stubborn, he's difficult. But at some point environment kicks in. I talked to him a little bit last year. Every once in a while I try to reach out. The progression over the years from confusion, to sadness, anger, and depression is evident looking back. Anyhow, I know he's depressed. His behaviour has gotten worse though. He doesn't eat, at all. He's skin and bones. His body can't withstand an illness.
And my mother just wants to toss him to my dad. She doesn't want to be responsible for this. But my dad is just as frustrated with him. He's being held to the same expectation as I, but he isn't willing to compromise his will and play the part. He can't get that 4.0, it's not in his nature. He can't put on a smile. All he wants is some TLC. He wants to be a kid again. We both do. We both want to retreat into the faded past. He wants school to be flexible and my mom to take care of him. If she would take the time to listen and observe she'd see that he just wants help.
He wants to talk to her but every time they try they butt heads. they're both lost in their own worlds and incessant that the world they've created is rooted in perfect truth.
I don't know what to do. We're falling apart. I love him as much as I can, but he can be so hard to love.
And so ends what could have been a good week, because yesterday I actually felt happy for the first time in a very long time. But the light has slipped my grasp, as intangible as ever.
Down a pound. B+ in AP US. 1 month ... here goes.
My younger brother is sick, he's going to the doctor's tomorrow. It started with a little scratchy throat a week or week and a half ago. From there he has gotten continually worse. He hates medications and refuses to take cough syrup. My parents are bothed finished with him. He's difficult. Trust me I KNOW he's difficult. He's obnoxious, he's rude, he yells, he's stubborn, he's difficult. But at some point environment kicks in. I talked to him a little bit last year. Every once in a while I try to reach out. The progression over the years from confusion, to sadness, anger, and depression is evident looking back. Anyhow, I know he's depressed. His behaviour has gotten worse though. He doesn't eat, at all. He's skin and bones. His body can't withstand an illness.
And my mother just wants to toss him to my dad. She doesn't want to be responsible for this. But my dad is just as frustrated with him. He's being held to the same expectation as I, but he isn't willing to compromise his will and play the part. He can't get that 4.0, it's not in his nature. He can't put on a smile. All he wants is some TLC. He wants to be a kid again. We both do. We both want to retreat into the faded past. He wants school to be flexible and my mom to take care of him. If she would take the time to listen and observe she'd see that he just wants help.
He wants to talk to her but every time they try they butt heads. they're both lost in their own worlds and incessant that the world they've created is rooted in perfect truth.
I don't know what to do. We're falling apart. I love him as much as I can, but he can be so hard to love.
And so ends what could have been a good week, because yesterday I actually felt happy for the first time in a very long time. But the light has slipped my grasp, as intangible as ever.
Down a pound. B+ in AP US. 1 month ... here goes.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Fresh air ...
I don't know what to say today. Everything was so ... off. I had a pretty good day at school. Got a 100 on 2 tests. Didn't have anyone to sit with at lunch though. I just wandered around the halls aimlessly, wishing the time would move faster. I'm starting to understand what we're working on in Calculus again. I seem to get lost for the first few days of a lesson and then eventually it clicks.
I didn't want to go to dance, but of course, I went anyways. My mom was acting really weird on the drive down. For the most part our rides tend to be silent. But today she kept asking me for advice saying she "admired" me.
... you don't know what I've done behind closed doors.
I hate when she asks me for advice. I'm supposed to ask her. She's supposed to teach me how to maintain a healthy relationship and make goals and live a life that's worth while. All I've learned from her recently, is that isolation isn't such a bad idea.
My dance class was okay, but not great. I did some good turns in the second class. I was in a good enough mood.
Then my dad asked me if I wanted psychiatric treatment.
Part of me does. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to know something is wrong with me, because if this chaos that is my mind is normal, I don't understand how the human race has survived. I want to be fixed. I want to be myself again, or at least the self I used to be. But I'm scared. I'm scared of the way people will look at me. Will they be able to tell? What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you've attempted suicide before? What if you still want to die? What am I supposed to do?
And then my brother called, and he yelled at me. Like he always does. He always yells. Al he needed to do was ask me if I was eating dinner. And instead he yelled at me. This is supposed to be my one ally and he always treats me with disdain and anger. I can't take it.
Then I ate. A lot. It was hummus and carrots, but hummus is fattening. I took my measurements which are still .5-1 inch more than they were before the summer. I'm wearing the same handful of jeans over and over because they're all that fit.
I just want to move on. I want out of this house. I want something, anything to change. I need something to change.
I need something new.
I didn't want to go to dance, but of course, I went anyways. My mom was acting really weird on the drive down. For the most part our rides tend to be silent. But today she kept asking me for advice saying she "admired" me.
... you don't know what I've done behind closed doors.
I hate when she asks me for advice. I'm supposed to ask her. She's supposed to teach me how to maintain a healthy relationship and make goals and live a life that's worth while. All I've learned from her recently, is that isolation isn't such a bad idea.
My dance class was okay, but not great. I did some good turns in the second class. I was in a good enough mood.
Then my dad asked me if I wanted psychiatric treatment.
Part of me does. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to know something is wrong with me, because if this chaos that is my mind is normal, I don't understand how the human race has survived. I want to be fixed. I want to be myself again, or at least the self I used to be. But I'm scared. I'm scared of the way people will look at me. Will they be able to tell? What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you've attempted suicide before? What if you still want to die? What am I supposed to do?
And then my brother called, and he yelled at me. Like he always does. He always yells. Al he needed to do was ask me if I was eating dinner. And instead he yelled at me. This is supposed to be my one ally and he always treats me with disdain and anger. I can't take it.
Then I ate. A lot. It was hummus and carrots, but hummus is fattening. I took my measurements which are still .5-1 inch more than they were before the summer. I'm wearing the same handful of jeans over and over because they're all that fit.
I just want to move on. I want out of this house. I want something, anything to change. I need something to change.
I need something new.
I need some fresh air.
Thank you ruby-tuesday <3
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Laughter here ...
My mind is cold and dark. Spinning. The memories are painful, and my head aches. I clench my eyes and clutch my head with wearied hands. There's no escape. All I have is dreams, and I know they are nothing more. My gaze is low and distant. I cannot lift it.
What is wrong with me?
I cannot sleep. I cannot focus. I cannot function. I cannot feign that oh so familiar smile. The cracks are growing. They notice. They worry. And yet, they don't.
Why are there always the most people when you want to disappear?
They surround me. I can't escape it. Questions and smiles. False niceties and constant strangeness. I just want to self destruct. I want everything to fade away under the pretense of perfection until I reach critical mass and everything falls apart.
Perfect until the end.
4.0
Skinny. Scary skinny.
talented
perfect. I must be perfect.
No sleep.
No food.
No joy.
No love.
No home.
Because this house that I live in, this is not a home. This whirlwind of pain and sorrow and anger is not a home.
We rented out the basement not long ago for need of extra income.
Today I heard laughter, and I was baffled. Until I realized it came from below. They laugh. They are home. I am not.
There is no laughter here.
What is wrong with me?
I cannot sleep. I cannot focus. I cannot function. I cannot feign that oh so familiar smile. The cracks are growing. They notice. They worry. And yet, they don't.
Why are there always the most people when you want to disappear?
They surround me. I can't escape it. Questions and smiles. False niceties and constant strangeness. I just want to self destruct. I want everything to fade away under the pretense of perfection until I reach critical mass and everything falls apart.
Perfect until the end.
4.0
Skinny. Scary skinny.
talented
perfect. I must be perfect.
No sleep.
No food.
No joy.
No love.
No home.
Because this house that I live in, this is not a home. This whirlwind of pain and sorrow and anger is not a home.
We rented out the basement not long ago for need of extra income.
Today I heard laughter, and I was baffled. Until I realized it came from below. They laugh. They are home. I am not.
There is no laughter here.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
To look but not see is to be blind, to see but not look is to be ignorant. #idca
I am my own adversary. I can't do anything right. My life is a series of failed attempts and it's killing me, but of course I failed at killing myself as well. It's been months now, and no one knows. I want to tell someone, to get help, to escape this never ending drag pulling me under. But I don't want my life to change. The thought of others looking at me differently, seeing me through a label of depressed and hopeless, terrifies me. And who am I to tell, my parents? They'd look down on me as an idiotic child. They'd never let me out of their sight. I'd be caged within their walls as i am caged within my own. And they'd only blame eachother. I can't stand the fighting. Every day they use new words to say the same dreadful things.
My teacher has noticed something isn't right. How many times can I lie and say that all is fine? I want him to know that I respect him, that the issue is all my own, that I know home should be left at the door. I can't say anything though. I can't face him; I can't admit the secret songs of sorrow slipping through my visage.
I am my own adversary. I can't do anything right. My life is a series of failed attempts and it's killing me, but of course I failed at killing myself as well. It's been months now, and no one knows. I want to tell someone, to get help, to escape this never ending drag pulling me under. But I don't want my life to change. The thought of others looking at me differently, seeing me through a label of depressed and hopeless, terrifies me. And who am I to tell, my parents? They'd look down on me as an idiotic child. They'd never let me out of their sight. I'd be caged within their walls as i am caged within my own. And they'd only blame eachother. I can't stand the fighting. Every day they use new words to say the same dreadful things.
My teacher has noticed something isn't right. How many times can I lie and say that all is fine? I want him to know that I respect him, that the issue is all my own, that I know home should be left at the door. I can't say anything though. I can't face him; I can't admit the secret songs of sorrow slipping through my visage.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Hurricane ...
It's time I gave up hope. It's time that I gave in. It's time that I forget who I was or could have been, cause I am drowning in a wave of darkness. I can't cope.
Cause I have lost my way, have lost my heart, have lost my soul. And I, I just can't cope when I am lost in my own mind. Incarcerated, prisoner to this ocean I am caged.
It's time that I accept, that things will never change, that time will still move on, and darkness always reigns.
The clouds are always grey when the rain comes raining down. Lightning brighter than the sun roars its haunting thunderous sound.
My eyes are like the clouds.
My tears are like the rain.
My sobs are like the sounds of waves crashing in the storm.
The storm is like my life, spinning faster every day, like a hurricane of pain, like a windy gust of ache.
And you, oh there you are, in the eye of every storm. Your hand reached out to me gets me through, and then throws me in again.
And I am drowning in a wave of darkness I can't cope.
I can't cope.
Cause I have lost my way, have lost my heart, have lost my soul. And I, I just can't cope when I am lost in my own mind. Incarcerated, prisoner to this ocean I am caged.
It's time that I accept, that things will never change, that time will still move on, and darkness always reigns.
The clouds are always grey when the rain comes raining down. Lightning brighter than the sun roars its haunting thunderous sound.
My eyes are like the clouds.
My tears are like the rain.
My sobs are like the sounds of waves crashing in the storm.
The storm is like my life, spinning faster every day, like a hurricane of pain, like a windy gust of ache.
And you, oh there you are, in the eye of every storm. Your hand reached out to me gets me through, and then throws me in again.
And I am drowning in a wave of darkness I can't cope.
I can't cope.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Run
I want to run too fast and fall too hard. I want to land
flat on my face, stand up, brush off, and take off running again. I want to run
until it feels like I’m flying. Until my breath is steadied and it’s all second
nature. I want to do everything I’m never supposed to do to my heart. Because
it’s already broken, so what harm can I do? It’s already shattered, shredded,
crushed, and blackened. Hardened into an unmoving stone. So why shouldn’t I
run? Run until my legs give out and my cheeks are stained with the grooves of
tears locked within my soul for years. Run until there’s nothing left but the
sun and the sky, the earth and my breath. Until I’m all alone, like I’ve always
been. But I’m free and I’m far from the chains of my home.
Just my universe
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Nothing
WARNING: Inherently depressing post. If you're in a quasi good mood, don't read it. I don't want to rain on you're parade. Truly though, you don't have to read this.
IF
If you held me at gunpoint; I wouldn’t shake
I wouldn’t revel at your feet in fear
And tell you what you want to hear
If you pinned me beneath you; I wouldn’t quiver
I wouldn’t give in to the pain
Or tell you what you want to hear
If you whispered in my ear I wouldn’t blush
I wouldn’t let your words work through my mind
Or tell you what you want to hear
If you gave me all you had; It wouldn’t matter
I wouldn’t listen to the love you claim
And tell you what you want to hear
If you faced me with the choice of love or death
I wouldn’t gasp in stunned astonishment
Or tell you what you want to hear
If I ever had the choice of love or death
I wouldn’t ponder silently
A simple “death” is all you’d hear
A week and a day.
It has been a week and a day since I put a belt around my neck. A neck that is too thick with fat and muscle which shouldn’t be there. And I pulled. Pulled with arms too weak to break, or cease the breath within, my neck.
They were yelling as always. Screaming. She threatened yet again to leave us, for good. She’d said she was going to a homeless shelter. He’d said she was stupid and nuts. She’d said he was a lying greed gay. I’d been trying to sleep. Trying so desperately to pretend it was all a dream. Trying so deeply to pretend I would wake soon to my normal Saturday. She’d be at home. He’d be in bed. I’d get ready for dance. It didn’t happen. It took them hours. They just kept yelling. I sobbed as I hadn’t in years. A wailing screeching sob attempting to drown out a sound much more painful than the tearing of my vocal chords. Anything. Anything to make it stop. I wanted to call child protective services. I wanted to be taken away. But I knew nothing would happen. It would make a bigger scene. They’d blame the other. CPS woud have done more harm than good and they would have sent us all home with a mandate for counseling I avoid like the plague. So I didn’t call.
I sat in the darkened closet. My back pressed against the door. I begged. I begged to anyone, anything that might hear me, knowing nothing would happen. I just wanted to escape. I just … remembered I was in my dad’s closet. A bounty of belts readily available. No one else could help me escape. But I could help myself.
Only I couldn’t. Now everyone wanted in. Crowding me. Surrounding me with their beckoning calls. Nothing could drown out the sound. Why couldn’t it have worked? Why can’t they all just SHUT THE FUCK UP??? (pardon my language)
Now what? What do I do? What do I say? I’ll be hospitalized. My 4.o. If I’m not at school Monday I’ll lose it. Monday after school. Just two days.
I didn’t say anything Monday after school.
Nothing Tuesday.
Nothing Wednesday.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Still nothing. Everyone is so unhappy. Everyone is so angry. No one is talking and yet they’re all talking too much. No kind words. No forgiveness. Nothing.
I’m not going to say anything. Not now. Not when I’m so close to leaving. 2 weeks. I can make it through two more weeks. Can’t I? Then I’m gone for five. Gone. If only for good. If only I could stay. Why can’t I just stay? Don’t they understand? Can’t they see? See anything? Nothing.
Maybe I’ll say something when I get back.
Or maybe not.
Special Thanks to:
Katie Elizabeth
Emma
Glad you both liked the new design :) If you read that whole thing, I'm sorry :/
Saturday, May 19, 2012
New ...
Strive to Thrive will be Dead Inside. I want to change the title, and the background, and the font. I'm still stones2bones though, still Emma, still me. Promise. Changing the design has taken some trial and error. Let me know if anything needs to be changed :)
I'm back at my high weight. Why are they doing this to me? Yesterday I put my hand on my stomach and before I could get a breath out my mother almost yelled at me not to tell her "I'm fat." But it's true. I am. I see it hanging there. Bloated. Distorted. Disgusting. And I can't run to try and exercise because whenever I do I get the most terrible earache which takes at least half an hour to dissipate once it arrives, and it's so painful I have to stop. The only way I'll ever get anywhere is starving and they won't let me. I won't even be able to do anything this summer while I'm away for five weeks because I have a roommate whom I've known for years and she'll start asking questions if I never eat. I will make sure I don't have any snack food in my dorm room though, and we have "meal cards," which only work at campus locations, so I won't be able to binge. I'll just be really careful about what I buy, and maybe throw some of it away when no one is looking. But then I'll feel bad about wasting my parents money :/ We're on such a tight budget right now, my mom has to start her business again. Why can't they just let me starve? I could save the food money and pay for dance. Not that I'll be dancing much longer.
We went and saw "First Position" last night. It's a documentary about Youth America Grand Prix, a ballet competition. When it ended my mother said "I'm not even a dance mom." I said "I'm not even a dancer." Then she got pissed (pardon my language :/) at me and told me I was looking at it wrong, and I'm going to ABT, and Why do I always talk like that, etc., etc. I just tried to tune her out. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand I'm not that good. If love is blind then she must love me a lot because I'm not the skinny perfect amazing dancer she seems to think I am.
I'm a failure. A fat, ugly, stupid, ant-social, awkward, uncoordinated, untalented, uninteresting failure.
I'm back at my high weight. Why are they doing this to me? Yesterday I put my hand on my stomach and before I could get a breath out my mother almost yelled at me not to tell her "I'm fat." But it's true. I am. I see it hanging there. Bloated. Distorted. Disgusting. And I can't run to try and exercise because whenever I do I get the most terrible earache which takes at least half an hour to dissipate once it arrives, and it's so painful I have to stop. The only way I'll ever get anywhere is starving and they won't let me. I won't even be able to do anything this summer while I'm away for five weeks because I have a roommate whom I've known for years and she'll start asking questions if I never eat. I will make sure I don't have any snack food in my dorm room though, and we have "meal cards," which only work at campus locations, so I won't be able to binge. I'll just be really careful about what I buy, and maybe throw some of it away when no one is looking. But then I'll feel bad about wasting my parents money :/ We're on such a tight budget right now, my mom has to start her business again. Why can't they just let me starve? I could save the food money and pay for dance. Not that I'll be dancing much longer.
We went and saw "First Position" last night. It's a documentary about Youth America Grand Prix, a ballet competition. When it ended my mother said "I'm not even a dance mom." I said "I'm not even a dancer." Then she got pissed (pardon my language :/) at me and told me I was looking at it wrong, and I'm going to ABT, and Why do I always talk like that, etc., etc. I just tried to tune her out. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand I'm not that good. If love is blind then she must love me a lot because I'm not the skinny perfect amazing dancer she seems to think I am.
I'm a failure. A fat, ugly, stupid, ant-social, awkward, uncoordinated, untalented, uninteresting failure.
Special thanks to:
Katie Elizabeth ~ I hope they help, no one deserves our misery. I'm just scared to lose myself. I can't decide if I'd prefer he remember me or not. I was so stupid, and it won't really make a difference either way, the time has passed. Only 12 school days though :D
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Almost summer ...
Made it darker :) If it's still too hard to read I can have another makeover, or change the actual font.
Did the math today, and by math I mean marking the days on my phones calendar with my finger. 14 days of school. That's it. I think I might even keep my 4.o, if I fight and manipulate a little bit. A "perfect" half of a high school career. Whoopee. I've wanted it to end for so long but, at the same time, I don't want it to end. I don't know if I'm going back to the same school next year or not, this could be it. The last days. Truly. The idea excites and frightens me. I'll never see most of them again. I'm not particularly close to everyone there, but I know their faces now. I know their smiles. I have blips and memories of so many of them. The only thing worse than how well I remember, is how well they seem to forget.
Does anyone have that face they'll spend there life remembering? That person who causes the most memory triggers. The one who makes you catch your breath, even though you know it's all in your head, because I do.
I didn't even really like him. Then. 8th grade. I barely knew what hormones were due to the dancer's side effect of late maturation, and he was weird. He planned my whole life over the course of 3 months in geometry. He sang, he "danced," he joked. Then he asked me to sit with him and his gang of friends I didn't know, and I was young, and I didn't know better, and I've never let myself forget how dumb I was. I didn't like him, so I said no. I've spent 2 years wishing to know what would've happened if I'd said yes. I've twisted my memories every direction knowing nothing would change and that I need to forgive myself and forget. But somewhere along the way I started liking him instead of the idea. I haven't talked to him since. He was a grade ahead of me and we've never had a class together again. Probably never will. I'll probably never talk to him again.
But I see him in the halls, or a song he sang plays on the radio, and I remember. All of it. I just don't think he remembers any of it.
Sorry for that random side step.
My dance teacher told us no one should ever eat any dairy products because they are triggering asthma and allergies in the human populace. He also said we should give ourselves a pat on the back and say "good girl," and be proud of our accomplishments. The problem is that I don't feel I've had any. I know in the eyes of others I might have but, in my eyes, I've done nothing. I feel like a waste of space, time, and energy. Why am I even here? Why do people talk to me? What does everyone see in me? Can't they tell something is wrong with me?
Mother told me I should take the other half of her "happy pills.""They'll make me relax." She also asked me if she seemed to be in a better mood. I can't do that to myself. I can't submit to reinforced chemicals and just give up control like that. Who would I become? Wouldn't I no longer truly be myself?
Special thanks to:
Katie Elizabeth ~ I can't imagine what it must be like on the other side, but I wish you strength. The grass is always greener I suppose :/ I'm glad those costumes are over too!
Emma ~ I'm beginning to think off is normal ... at least they made someone laugh :) I'm sure there were plenty of snickers in the audience too. You could do anything with that mentality!
Thank you both, for the smiles and support <3
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Makeover
I decided it was time for a change. If this is too hard to read please let me know. The actual page is for the readers, above all. I'm sure I can find another spot for this rose if need be.
It's been too long.
I say that in everything now. Every time I come on here, it's been to long since my last post. Every time I look in the mirror, it's been too long since I was proud of what I saw. Every time someone laughs, it's been too long since I've done the same. Truly, and wholeheartedly.
It's time for change.
I'm not going to focus on my ED anymore. My parents found out and they've made it impossible. Maybe while I'm away this summer. I still hate myself. I still hate my body. I still have a love/hate relationship with food. But my mom has been freaking out for years in the belief that my brother might be anorexic. They won't allow me to refuse food any longer. I'm too pathetic to go bulimic. Pardon the poor word choice, but I couldn't stomach it.
Now I'm left spinning in depression, stress, and anxiety. I've always been anxious, always strummed my fingers. Pulled my hair. Worried too much about too little.
I am a beautiful chemical imbalance.
I guess my equilibrium just isn't all that stable, no matter how constant the whir in my mind.
My AP test is over, epic failure. My performances are over, thank heavens. I will never wear those dreadful mermaid costumes again. Full body shiny unitard and seashells. Those are five words that should never be combined in one costume.
I'm just going through the measures. I kind of feel like I'm not really here. Like I'm floating in a limbo.
And then he yells at me. Thanks a lot Hunter. Thank you SO, SO, SO much for sending me crashing back into planet Earth. I thought you were my brother?! I thought we were on the same side! I thought that you were depressed, too. Don't you understand what that does to me? Are you not as broken beneath the surface as I am? Can't you tell I can't take it? I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm not me. I'm not. I thought you knew.
I thought they all knew, but I guess no one really does. The price we pay for secrets.
If you don't stick around now that the numbers are missing, I'll understand. You're all beautiful. Sorry things change.
It's been too long.
I say that in everything now. Every time I come on here, it's been to long since my last post. Every time I look in the mirror, it's been too long since I was proud of what I saw. Every time someone laughs, it's been too long since I've done the same. Truly, and wholeheartedly.
It's time for change.
I'm not going to focus on my ED anymore. My parents found out and they've made it impossible. Maybe while I'm away this summer. I still hate myself. I still hate my body. I still have a love/hate relationship with food. But my mom has been freaking out for years in the belief that my brother might be anorexic. They won't allow me to refuse food any longer. I'm too pathetic to go bulimic. Pardon the poor word choice, but I couldn't stomach it.
Now I'm left spinning in depression, stress, and anxiety. I've always been anxious, always strummed my fingers. Pulled my hair. Worried too much about too little.
I am a beautiful chemical imbalance.
I guess my equilibrium just isn't all that stable, no matter how constant the whir in my mind.
My AP test is over, epic failure. My performances are over, thank heavens. I will never wear those dreadful mermaid costumes again. Full body shiny unitard and seashells. Those are five words that should never be combined in one costume.
I'm just going through the measures. I kind of feel like I'm not really here. Like I'm floating in a limbo.
And then he yells at me. Thanks a lot Hunter. Thank you SO, SO, SO much for sending me crashing back into planet Earth. I thought you were my brother?! I thought we were on the same side! I thought that you were depressed, too. Don't you understand what that does to me? Are you not as broken beneath the surface as I am? Can't you tell I can't take it? I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm not me. I'm not. I thought you knew.
I thought they all knew, but I guess no one really does. The price we pay for secrets.
If you don't stick around now that the numbers are missing, I'll understand. You're all beautiful. Sorry things change.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~I don't sleep well either. I'm riddled with dreams I don't understand or remember, where there used to be a deep peaceful abyss. I do hope you get some good sleep. It's a wonderful restorative. Have an unparalleled day <3
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Sleep deprived ...
I'd crash and burn if there was anything left in me to fuel the fire.
I don't hate you, I just hate the world. It doesn't matter if you care, I just don't want to care. I don't want the world to end, I just want my life to end. I don't have a problem, I just hate myself.
I don't mind if you talk to me when you're in need. But if that's the only time you talk to me don't bother. I'm obviously not worth your time, why should I waste mine on you?
Your ignorance is pitiful, your ignorance is blind. Oh, the things you'll never do with ignorance in mind.
I'm ... I'm ... I don't even know. I'm tired, worn out, stretched thin, over scheduled, stressed, etc. We have rehearsal until 9p.m. every night, or later. I don't get home until after 10. I'm standing there in rehearsal as she yells to do things full out but all I can think of is how no one has the energy because we've all been stranded there so late for weeks. Half of the girls Can't do it full out due to injury. We're dropping like flies. She's asked too much. No one can handle it. On break we all wince as we move. There's a strange aura of giddiness as a result of sleep deprivation. I can't focus very well. None of us are doing well in school. Everyone wants the show to be over so that we can take a simple breath.
Next Friday I'm supposed to be in three important places at the same time. My AP test, state standardized test for chemistry, and spacing rehearsal all take place at the same time. They aren't even in the same county.
To top it off "Murphy" and I are quite well acquainted. (everything that can go wrong will) Thursday I landed on my knee and head in rehearsal. I've had headaches all week accompanied by a beautiful green bruise on my temple, and a scab on my knee that makes it painful to bend. Friday I hit my head on the the car while getting in.Saturday I slipped and fell on the other knee. Monday I ran in to a door while running laps inside for P.E. and received an inch long slice form the metal handle. Yesterday my cheek became stuck to my braces when impaled by a protruding wire. And today I have the pre-performance head cold. Is it any wonder I want to skip these next 2 weeks?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed that out of my system. I still haven't looked at the scale because I can tell from the fit of my clothing any my reflection in all the mirrors that surround me that I am no where near where I want to be. The only thing worse than being overweight for a performance entirely costumed in unitards is listening to my father and anyone else tell me I'm not fat. Just because you are a bucket of lard I am not skinny. You put on a shiny gold skin tight full body suit and tell me how thin you feel! I feel bad enough without the costume. I need to lose 20 pounds in 1 month, and I've been trying to lose it all year. Why will my body not listen to me? Last year it was so simple, so easy. It was a game. Come back from the summer and need to lose weight? No problem. I drop 4 pounds. The numbers are entertaining. Why not lose another 2? And 2 more? I wonder if I could lose 2 more? And then it stopped. Now I can't lose one and I'm fasting! I'm getting no sleep and I'm on my feet all day, I can't avoid food any longer. But why doesn't fasting help? I just want to be thin. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be happy, loving, accepting. I want to look in the mirror and see yesterday's joys lingering in my eyes. I want to look at my friends and forget their flaws. I want to meet someone and listen to them and love them for who they are. I don't want to meet someone and wonder what their daily intake is, their metabolic rate, their daily energy expenditure, their weight, their size. These things don't matter!
But they do. The shape me, us. They matter because they are a definition. Maybe that's not the first thing that comes to mind when you look at me, but that's what's always on my mind. It defines me. My whole life is warped around numbers, depression, weight, size, food. Everything ties into it. Somehow.
Part of me wants to get help, to reach out, but I'm scared of who I might become. I'm scared I'd lose myself. I fear that if I become happy my old goals won't matter. I'll give up on school, on dance. I'm plagued with this false future where I've given up everything, and happiness just doesn't seem worth everything. But maybe it is. I don't know. I don't know anything. And it's killing me. Can you O.D. on painkillers? Would it be a bad way to go?
Argh, No! I can't think like that. This isn't right. I'm 16. I should be looking to a long future, not an abrupt self imposed end. Maybe I'll feel better this summer. No school, no parents, no idiots my mother calls boyfriends invading my home. 5 weeks of me. I just need to make it there.
I don't hate you, I just hate the world. It doesn't matter if you care, I just don't want to care. I don't want the world to end, I just want my life to end. I don't have a problem, I just hate myself.
I don't mind if you talk to me when you're in need. But if that's the only time you talk to me don't bother. I'm obviously not worth your time, why should I waste mine on you?
Your ignorance is pitiful, your ignorance is blind. Oh, the things you'll never do with ignorance in mind.
I'm ... I'm ... I don't even know. I'm tired, worn out, stretched thin, over scheduled, stressed, etc. We have rehearsal until 9p.m. every night, or later. I don't get home until after 10. I'm standing there in rehearsal as she yells to do things full out but all I can think of is how no one has the energy because we've all been stranded there so late for weeks. Half of the girls Can't do it full out due to injury. We're dropping like flies. She's asked too much. No one can handle it. On break we all wince as we move. There's a strange aura of giddiness as a result of sleep deprivation. I can't focus very well. None of us are doing well in school. Everyone wants the show to be over so that we can take a simple breath.
Next Friday I'm supposed to be in three important places at the same time. My AP test, state standardized test for chemistry, and spacing rehearsal all take place at the same time. They aren't even in the same county.
To top it off "Murphy" and I are quite well acquainted. (everything that can go wrong will) Thursday I landed on my knee and head in rehearsal. I've had headaches all week accompanied by a beautiful green bruise on my temple, and a scab on my knee that makes it painful to bend. Friday I hit my head on the the car while getting in.Saturday I slipped and fell on the other knee. Monday I ran in to a door while running laps inside for P.E. and received an inch long slice form the metal handle. Yesterday my cheek became stuck to my braces when impaled by a protruding wire. And today I have the pre-performance head cold. Is it any wonder I want to skip these next 2 weeks?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed that out of my system. I still haven't looked at the scale because I can tell from the fit of my clothing any my reflection in all the mirrors that surround me that I am no where near where I want to be. The only thing worse than being overweight for a performance entirely costumed in unitards is listening to my father and anyone else tell me I'm not fat. Just because you are a bucket of lard I am not skinny. You put on a shiny gold skin tight full body suit and tell me how thin you feel! I feel bad enough without the costume. I need to lose 20 pounds in 1 month, and I've been trying to lose it all year. Why will my body not listen to me? Last year it was so simple, so easy. It was a game. Come back from the summer and need to lose weight? No problem. I drop 4 pounds. The numbers are entertaining. Why not lose another 2? And 2 more? I wonder if I could lose 2 more? And then it stopped. Now I can't lose one and I'm fasting! I'm getting no sleep and I'm on my feet all day, I can't avoid food any longer. But why doesn't fasting help? I just want to be thin. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be happy, loving, accepting. I want to look in the mirror and see yesterday's joys lingering in my eyes. I want to look at my friends and forget their flaws. I want to meet someone and listen to them and love them for who they are. I don't want to meet someone and wonder what their daily intake is, their metabolic rate, their daily energy expenditure, their weight, their size. These things don't matter!
But they do. The shape me, us. They matter because they are a definition. Maybe that's not the first thing that comes to mind when you look at me, but that's what's always on my mind. It defines me. My whole life is warped around numbers, depression, weight, size, food. Everything ties into it. Somehow.
Part of me wants to get help, to reach out, but I'm scared of who I might become. I'm scared I'd lose myself. I fear that if I become happy my old goals won't matter. I'll give up on school, on dance. I'm plagued with this false future where I've given up everything, and happiness just doesn't seem worth everything. But maybe it is. I don't know. I don't know anything. And it's killing me. Can you O.D. on painkillers? Would it be a bad way to go?
Argh, No! I can't think like that. This isn't right. I'm 16. I should be looking to a long future, not an abrupt self imposed end. Maybe I'll feel better this summer. No school, no parents, no idiots my mother calls boyfriends invading my home. 5 weeks of me. I just need to make it there.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ You should! I'll post mine as well :) I wonder if anyone truly fits their name ...
Emma ~ They're fun and healthy. I think I might get and actual (cute) bucket and toss in scraps of paper with any dream I come by on a given day. With all my free time :P Thank you
Luv ya ladies! I wish everyone a good nights sleep <3 Stay strong
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Trouble Finding Motivation ...
My name means universal; whole. Universal fits, I do try any and everything. But how can I be whole when I'm in pieces? Tattered, shattered, scattered. How can I be whole when I am a hole? A blip, a dark spot, something missing, an error. I really just want to go to bed and sleep for a very long time. I want these next two weeks to be over and done with. I'd love for my friend to speak to me again. I'd love for life to be simple again. I found mystery gift from kindergarten today. I wish I could just go back to a time before depression, before the world imposed their values upon me. Before I really knew what judgement was, to when being the hardest on myself didn't mean all that much because the mistakes were just so easy to fix. I do have dreams.
I drew up a bucket list today. I highly doubt I'll do everything on it. But it did make me realize there are still things to live for. I think it may keep me from doing anything too rash in the near future. I wonder if that's why people create bucket lists.just to keep them going. Give them something to live fore.
Fasted for two days this week. Haven't checked the scale. I know no matter what I won't lose enough to feel good about myself when I step on that stage. Even at my low weight I wasn't happy. Probably why I'm having trouble finding the motivation to do this.
Everything just seems impossible.
I drew up a bucket list today. I highly doubt I'll do everything on it. But it did make me realize there are still things to live for. I think it may keep me from doing anything too rash in the near future. I wonder if that's why people create bucket lists.just to keep them going. Give them something to live fore.
Fasted for two days this week. Haven't checked the scale. I know no matter what I won't lose enough to feel good about myself when I step on that stage. Even at my low weight I wasn't happy. Probably why I'm having trouble finding the motivation to do this.
Everything just seems impossible.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ I actually ran into "Murphy's law" on Thursday and landed on my head during rehearsal, and had a mental breakdown. Ya :P Friday was a bit better though, minus the headaches. Hope you're doing well.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
P...retty? no ...
"Emma, you're so p..." I hear it on the tips of her lips. I know what's coming. The letter she uses everyday to poke fun at me. The recognition that I don't fit the mold society has cut. My skin tone, or rather lack there of. Pale. I hear it before she says it. "...retty." The word becomes distorted in my head. That's not the right word. That can't be right. I'm not that girl. I'm not. "Tha-a-a-ank you?" I choke out the words. It's a question. I don't believe it, can't believe it. It's not true. Not me. I'm not. "No, really. I thought you were so pretty at the rehearsal audition." Now she's tripping over words. This can't be true. I feel so awkward, so exposed. How can she say that? How can she honestly say that? "Thanks." Unsteady, unsure, disbelieving. This isn't true.
Another girl joins in, "yeah!" Panic. Somewhere someone quietly says this is getting awkward . "Can we stop now?" "You gorgeous woman!" "Really, can we stop now?" It knocks around inside my skull 'you gorgeous woman.' She's trying to be nice. She doesn't know. " Thank you, but can we stop?" The web of fissures in my facade is growing. My world is spinning. It's too much. It's all too much.
I told a girl at school that I hope the world does end this December. She said that was horrible. She seemed genuinely surprised. Appalled. Is it really that bad? Really that odd? No, it can't be. I'd never even thought of it before. It was just a hyperbole. I was expressing my exhaustion. But I meant it too.
I can't sleep. Four or five hours of light sleep a night. I can't fall asleep until 1 or 2am long past the time when everyone else has gone to bed. I dream where there used to be the endless expanse of a deep sleep's abyss. The bags below my eyes are ever growing. My eyes are dry and I feel like there's something sharp stuck in the corners, but it never comes out. They ache. My eyebrows are higher than usual in an effort to lift my lids. The ADD I always have is multiplied. It's normal to have three strains of thought. What I should focus on, what's distracting me, and telling myself to focus on the first. I'm exhausted. I'm to scared of what my grades may be to actually look. I have 2 weeks to lose 8 pounds and parents breathing down my neck. I'm required to be in 3 different places at one on May 11th for my only spacing rehearsal, the AP test, and standardized testing. I still haven't read my AP text book. I'm so mad at my friend. I can't stop thinking about a boy that never crossed my mind until she threatened to ruin any and everything. I don't want to do my performance. I'm scared of what New York will be like. Scared of how thin every other ballerina there will be. How much fatter I'll look compared to them. I'm literally clamping my head trying to expel thoughts of regrets which never leave. My mother is talking about being besties forever and all I want is to disappear into the woodwork of the world. I don't know where I want to take my life. I don't find any joy in dance anymore but giving up now seems like such a waste. I'm stretched so thin, but I'm fatter than ever. I can't stand to look at myself. My brother told my I wasn't fat, I'm paranoid. How dare he?! I am in triple digits. I should be 85lb. All I want is for someone to notice the vacant look in my eyes. Recognize that my gaze has been fixated on nothing for far too long a period of time. See that I can't stop moving because of nervous energy while it's hard to even get out of my seat. I want them to see the torture in my bones. to count them one by one and wonder what in my life could possible make me want to be thin enough for each successive bone to show. To wonder why my skinny jeans look straight cut and my shirt looks like a dress.
I"m so tired. I just ... I don't know
Another girl joins in, "yeah!" Panic. Somewhere someone quietly says this is getting awkward . "Can we stop now?" "You gorgeous woman!" "Really, can we stop now?" It knocks around inside my skull 'you gorgeous woman.' She's trying to be nice. She doesn't know. " Thank you, but can we stop?" The web of fissures in my facade is growing. My world is spinning. It's too much. It's all too much.
I told a girl at school that I hope the world does end this December. She said that was horrible. She seemed genuinely surprised. Appalled. Is it really that bad? Really that odd? No, it can't be. I'd never even thought of it before. It was just a hyperbole. I was expressing my exhaustion. But I meant it too.
I can't sleep. Four or five hours of light sleep a night. I can't fall asleep until 1 or 2am long past the time when everyone else has gone to bed. I dream where there used to be the endless expanse of a deep sleep's abyss. The bags below my eyes are ever growing. My eyes are dry and I feel like there's something sharp stuck in the corners, but it never comes out. They ache. My eyebrows are higher than usual in an effort to lift my lids. The ADD I always have is multiplied. It's normal to have three strains of thought. What I should focus on, what's distracting me, and telling myself to focus on the first. I'm exhausted. I'm to scared of what my grades may be to actually look. I have 2 weeks to lose 8 pounds and parents breathing down my neck. I'm required to be in 3 different places at one on May 11th for my only spacing rehearsal, the AP test, and standardized testing. I still haven't read my AP text book. I'm so mad at my friend. I can't stop thinking about a boy that never crossed my mind until she threatened to ruin any and everything. I don't want to do my performance. I'm scared of what New York will be like. Scared of how thin every other ballerina there will be. How much fatter I'll look compared to them. I'm literally clamping my head trying to expel thoughts of regrets which never leave. My mother is talking about being besties forever and all I want is to disappear into the woodwork of the world. I don't know where I want to take my life. I don't find any joy in dance anymore but giving up now seems like such a waste. I'm stretched so thin, but I'm fatter than ever. I can't stand to look at myself. My brother told my I wasn't fat, I'm paranoid. How dare he?! I am in triple digits. I should be 85lb. All I want is for someone to notice the vacant look in my eyes. Recognize that my gaze has been fixated on nothing for far too long a period of time. See that I can't stop moving because of nervous energy while it's hard to even get out of my seat. I want them to see the torture in my bones. to count them one by one and wonder what in my life could possible make me want to be thin enough for each successive bone to show. To wonder why my skinny jeans look straight cut and my shirt looks like a dress.
I"m so tired. I just ... I don't know
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ I hope you don't know the feeling too well anymore. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Get some rest lovelies. If you have extra, I'd love some :P
Ruin ...
Are you okay? I'm just tired. You sure? I'm just tired. You okay? I'm just tired.
I say it all day long. I'm just tired. I am tired. I feel like I have no energy left. But I'm not "just" tired. I want you to believe that lie. That lie that's so familiar it's automatic. I want you to believe that lie because the real answer isn't perfect. It's ugly. It's twisted. It's dark.
Are you okay? No. You sure? I'm enraged. You okay? I'm in pain. A deep dragging depression that makes everything ache. My eyes, my hands, my mind, my back, my joints, my stomach, my chest. my heart. Every fiber of my being pasted together by pain and pain alone. Every hope pulled back below the surface laving me numb to the world as I succumb to the fire that's eating me alive. Dying from the inside out. Decaying before your eyes which are blind to the truth I hide. I am hiding. Hiding in plain sight from the life I fear. I, like you, am blinded. I do not see what I will not look at. I will not look at myself. For so long I've looked away. Seen what wasn't there and avoided what was. I no longer know myself. I am lost to the thoughts within m head as I am lost to the world. I can't find my way. I can't break free. I can barely breath. I'm not in control of myself. I am a puppet to this twisted creature. This dark depression. A slave to the choices others make. Indecisive. Unimportant. Unnecessary.
Are you sure you're okay? I'm just tired.
The problem is I care
The problem is I cry
The problem is I let you deep inside
The problem is you make me want to die
Every breath I take
Every choice I make
Everything I do I do to be good enough for you
My smile's fake
I'm hardly awake
But I wake each day to say that I need you
It's all consuming
No escaping
I thought you knew
I needed you
~ me
I got trapped in the stars
And I haven't come down
Because the view from up here
Is detached, safe, and sound.
~ me
You can push me down
You can take away my choice
You can haunt my dreams
You can rob me of my voice
You can crush my heart
You can treat my tears like toys
But as long as there are stars
I'll still be smiling
As long as there is love
I'll search for hope
As long as you are human
I will know
My mind is still my own
And I am free
And I am dancing in the stars eternally
~ me
I just want it at to end. I'm so (pardon my language or skip the next word) *pissed* at my friend right. Now I'm still going to call her that. All of the little things have had me hovering over the boarder and the shed drops a bomb on me. I'm done. I'm done with her. I'm done with social interaction. I'm done with humanity. She was holding me back, making everything take longer. I'll do better without her. I'm so disappointed. I thought I'd finally made a real friend who could understand. She got jealous just like my elementary school friend. Just like every person I allow into more than one part of my life. Any person I share small truths with. She ruined one of my best and most valued platonic relationships by asking if he liked me and insisting he take me out. He hasn't talked to me in days. She is obsessed the guys. It forms her whole world. I know I should feel bad because she's acting out due to lack of a relationship with her father. But that doesn't mean she can storm in and torpedo my life! I've extended every part of my life to her to help her, and this is what I get. Two destroyed friendships. I've been annoyed for so long and haven't wanted to be. This is only making things worse. This is confirming all that I've said. This is her third strike. I'm losing them both. And it's ruining me.
I say it all day long. I'm just tired. I am tired. I feel like I have no energy left. But I'm not "just" tired. I want you to believe that lie. That lie that's so familiar it's automatic. I want you to believe that lie because the real answer isn't perfect. It's ugly. It's twisted. It's dark.
Are you okay? No. You sure? I'm enraged. You okay? I'm in pain. A deep dragging depression that makes everything ache. My eyes, my hands, my mind, my back, my joints, my stomach, my chest. my heart. Every fiber of my being pasted together by pain and pain alone. Every hope pulled back below the surface laving me numb to the world as I succumb to the fire that's eating me alive. Dying from the inside out. Decaying before your eyes which are blind to the truth I hide. I am hiding. Hiding in plain sight from the life I fear. I, like you, am blinded. I do not see what I will not look at. I will not look at myself. For so long I've looked away. Seen what wasn't there and avoided what was. I no longer know myself. I am lost to the thoughts within m head as I am lost to the world. I can't find my way. I can't break free. I can barely breath. I'm not in control of myself. I am a puppet to this twisted creature. This dark depression. A slave to the choices others make. Indecisive. Unimportant. Unnecessary.
Are you sure you're okay? I'm just tired.
The problem is I care
The problem is I cry
The problem is I let you deep inside
The problem is you make me want to die
Every breath I take
Every choice I make
Everything I do I do to be good enough for you
My smile's fake
I'm hardly awake
But I wake each day to say that I need you
It's all consuming
No escaping
I thought you knew
I needed you
~ me
I got trapped in the stars
And I haven't come down
Because the view from up here
Is detached, safe, and sound.
~ me
You can push me down
You can take away my choice
You can haunt my dreams
You can rob me of my voice
You can crush my heart
You can treat my tears like toys
But as long as there are stars
I'll still be smiling
As long as there is love
I'll search for hope
As long as you are human
I will know
My mind is still my own
And I am free
And I am dancing in the stars eternally
~ me
I just want it at to end. I'm so (pardon my language or skip the next word) *pissed* at my friend right. Now I'm still going to call her that. All of the little things have had me hovering over the boarder and the shed drops a bomb on me. I'm done. I'm done with her. I'm done with social interaction. I'm done with humanity. She was holding me back, making everything take longer. I'll do better without her. I'm so disappointed. I thought I'd finally made a real friend who could understand. She got jealous just like my elementary school friend. Just like every person I allow into more than one part of my life. Any person I share small truths with. She ruined one of my best and most valued platonic relationships by asking if he liked me and insisting he take me out. He hasn't talked to me in days. She is obsessed the guys. It forms her whole world. I know I should feel bad because she's acting out due to lack of a relationship with her father. But that doesn't mean she can storm in and torpedo my life! I've extended every part of my life to her to help her, and this is what I get. Two destroyed friendships. I've been annoyed for so long and haven't wanted to be. This is only making things worse. This is confirming all that I've said. This is her third strike. I'm losing them both. And it's ruining me.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ If I could know happiness was a breath away ... the breaths I would take. Thank you :) xox
May we all find happiness ladies.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Manipulate fire ...
My hands are like ice
and the air feels like fire
The walls condemn me
and pull my chest tighter
My pulse pounds in my temples
distorting the sounds
The world spinning faster
sight set on the ground
The knot in my stomach
like my intertwined fingers
The thoughts in my head
of a past choice which lingers
The look in my eyes
of a pain and desire
To change, to forget,
to manipulate fire
I hope I've found my voice again. If only these blips and glimpses. I feel as though I'm in purgatory. Always slapped in the face with just enough happiness to keep me from doing something , well more drastic than utter self loathing and attempts to starve to death. Why are parents so meddling? Would it really be so hard to let me skip a few weeks of food? It's not like they pay attention to anything else. I have a ****** 4.0 and it means nothing to them. I just want to leave, and breath, and move on with my life. I want to live on my own where no one is watching the food on my plate. I want to be the only one there to notice I never buy food. I want the adrenaline to rush through what's left of my body as I withdraw "food money" and buy clothing a size smaller. I want to watch the numbers disappear, the inches melt away, the bones protrude. I want people to notice. I want to believe it when they say I'm skinny. I want to know it.
Just a few things I've made this week :
and the air feels like fire
The walls condemn me
and pull my chest tighter
My pulse pounds in my temples
distorting the sounds
The world spinning faster
sight set on the ground
The knot in my stomach
like my intertwined fingers
The thoughts in my head
of a past choice which lingers
The look in my eyes
of a pain and desire
To change, to forget,
to manipulate fire
I hope I've found my voice again. If only these blips and glimpses. I feel as though I'm in purgatory. Always slapped in the face with just enough happiness to keep me from doing something , well more drastic than utter self loathing and attempts to starve to death. Why are parents so meddling? Would it really be so hard to let me skip a few weeks of food? It's not like they pay attention to anything else. I have a ****** 4.0 and it means nothing to them. I just want to leave, and breath, and move on with my life. I want to live on my own where no one is watching the food on my plate. I want to be the only one there to notice I never buy food. I want the adrenaline to rush through what's left of my body as I withdraw "food money" and buy clothing a size smaller. I want to watch the numbers disappear, the inches melt away, the bones protrude. I want people to notice. I want to believe it when they say I'm skinny. I want to know it.
Just a few things I've made this week :
Special thanks to:
Fat Piggy <3
Fat Piggy <3
Stay strong ladies! It sounds like you're all doing so well.
Love <3
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Hi ... :/
I know I haven't been here in a while, and I prologize. I'm still alive. I'm just feeling small and insignificant, and like I've lost my voice, and my willpower. I just keep going through the motions of life hoping one day I'll start living, or at the very least, stop. I hope you all are doing well. I'll be here when my voice comes back. I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't have anything to say. Again with small and insignificant. :/
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ It's amazing that you've reached both goals :) I'm sorry nothing is ever good enough, but I know the feeling. People can tell me I have it all, but there's always something out of reach at the back of my mind. Something no one ever sees.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Nightingale ...
Step into the night
To the cold and windy air
The sky so far away
The stars to very near
Pull the blanket tighter
For comfort more than fear
Breath sans hesitation
let night mask all despair
Run from what's behind you
Look back, but don't regret
I shy away from light
The shadow's that it brings
I sink into the night
And let darkness softly sing
Lifted from my grievances
Distanced from my pains
One small breath to get me through
hide what my soul contains
~last night
I sleep because it's the closest thing to death
Because in sleep I never dream
Because my dreams never come true
I sleep because it's my only vice
Because I'm not allowed to starve
Because I'm not allowed to die
~Yesterday afternoon
I can't do it. I can't do anything. I can't breath. Nothing is working. I've been more honest with this girl than anyone else and she throws it back in my face repeating the things I don't want anyone to know in front of strangers and friends alike.HONESTY is NOT the best policy. Disregard anyone that tells you differently. If I was always completely honest I would probably be institutionalized right now. Well, more accurately, I'd probably be on drugs of one kind or another. Sometimes I feel like that might be the right thing to do. But I always feel that if I did that I'd lose myself and only pull myself down deeper.
I still haven't weighed myself. I felt like I'd lost yesterday, but I got depressed, and I binged, and I fear I may be at an all time high. I don't even know if I want to know. It won't make a difference. No matter what that number says it will never be enough. So I'll continue without knowing.
Nothing matters anyways. WE all have goals, but we also all end up in the same place. It's just a matter of what path we take. Billions of beginnings, all leading to one end. My only hope is that I reach the end soon, or at the very least, follow the shortest path. It's snowing today :/ I'm in the mood for rain or soon so of course it snows, but I'll make do.I'll be happy some day. I have got to look on the bright side
Bright side. Um. My dog's cute. I finished the Hunger Game's series. It's spring break.
Stay strong ladies. We'll make it :D
To the cold and windy air
The sky so far away
The stars to very near
Pull the blanket tighter
For comfort more than fear
Breath sans hesitation
let night mask all despair
Run from what's behind you
Look back, but don't regret
I shy away from light
The shadow's that it brings
I sink into the night
And let darkness softly sing
Lifted from my grievances
Distanced from my pains
One small breath to get me through
hide what my soul contains
~last night
I sleep because it's the closest thing to death
Because in sleep I never dream
Because my dreams never come true
I sleep because it's my only vice
Because I'm not allowed to starve
Because I'm not allowed to die
~Yesterday afternoon
I can't do it. I can't do anything. I can't breath. Nothing is working. I've been more honest with this girl than anyone else and she throws it back in my face repeating the things I don't want anyone to know in front of strangers and friends alike.HONESTY is NOT the best policy. Disregard anyone that tells you differently. If I was always completely honest I would probably be institutionalized right now. Well, more accurately, I'd probably be on drugs of one kind or another. Sometimes I feel like that might be the right thing to do. But I always feel that if I did that I'd lose myself and only pull myself down deeper.
I still haven't weighed myself. I felt like I'd lost yesterday, but I got depressed, and I binged, and I fear I may be at an all time high. I don't even know if I want to know. It won't make a difference. No matter what that number says it will never be enough. So I'll continue without knowing.
Nothing matters anyways. WE all have goals, but we also all end up in the same place. It's just a matter of what path we take. Billions of beginnings, all leading to one end. My only hope is that I reach the end soon, or at the very least, follow the shortest path. It's snowing today :/ I'm in the mood for rain or soon so of course it snows, but I'll make do.I'll be happy some day. I have got to look on the bright side
Bright side. Um. My dog's cute. I finished the Hunger Game's series. It's spring break.
Stay strong ladies. We'll make it :D
Special thanks to :
Katie Ehrlich ~ the first few days were hard, but it does feel good to be free of it. Still unhappy, but it's one less reason to be unhappy. I'll have to face it eventually, but for now it's nice.
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