Almost summer ...

Made it darker :) If it's still too hard to read I can have another makeover, or change the actual font.

Did the math today, and by math I mean marking the days on my phones calendar with my finger.  14 days of school. That's it. I think I might even keep my 4.o, if I fight and manipulate a little bit. A "perfect" half of a high school career. Whoopee.  I've wanted it to end for so long but, at the same time, I don't want it to end. I don't know if I'm going back to the same school next year or not, this could be it. The last days. Truly. The idea excites and frightens me. I'll never see most of them again. I'm not particularly close to everyone there, but I know their faces now. I know their smiles. I have blips and memories of so many of them. The only thing worse than how well I remember, is how well they seem to forget.

Does anyone have that face they'll spend there life remembering? That person who causes the most memory triggers. The one who makes you catch your breath, even though you know it's all in your head, because I do. 

I didn't even really like him. Then. 8th grade. I barely knew what hormones were due to the dancer's side effect of late maturation, and he was weird. He planned my whole life over the course of 3 months in geometry. He sang, he "danced," he joked. Then he asked me to sit with him and his gang of friends I didn't know, and I was young, and I didn't know better, and I've never let myself forget how dumb I was. I didn't like him, so I said no. I've spent 2 years wishing to know what would've happened if I'd said yes. I've twisted my memories every direction knowing nothing would change and that I need to forgive myself and forget. But somewhere along the way I started liking him instead of the idea. I haven't talked to him since. He was a grade ahead of me and we've never had a class together again. Probably never will. I'll probably never talk to him again. 

But I see him in the halls, or a song he sang plays on the radio, and I remember. All of it. I just don't think he remembers any of it.

Sorry for that random side step. 

My dance teacher told us no one should ever eat any dairy products because they are triggering asthma and allergies in the human populace. He also said we should give ourselves a pat on the back and say "good girl," and be proud of our accomplishments. The problem is that I don't feel I've had any. I know in the eyes of others I might have but, in my eyes, I've done nothing. I feel like a waste of space, time, and energy. Why am I even here? Why do people talk to me? What does everyone see in me? Can't they tell something is wrong with me?

Mother told me I should take the other half of her "happy pills.""They'll make me relax." She also asked me if she seemed to be in a better mood. I can't do that to myself. I can't submit to reinforced chemicals and just give up control like that. Who would I become? Wouldn't I no longer truly be myself?

Special thanks to:

Katie Elizabeth ~ I can't imagine what it must be like on the other side, but I wish you strength. The grass is always greener I suppose :/ I'm glad those costumes are over too!

Emma ~ I'm beginning to think off is normal ... at least they made someone laugh :) I'm sure there were plenty of snickers in the audience too. You could do anything with that mentality!

Thank you both, for the smiles and support <3