I decided it was time for a change. If this is too hard to read please let me know. The actual page is for the readers, above all. I'm sure I can find another spot for this rose if need be.
It's been too long.
I say that in everything now. Every time I come on here, it's been to long since my last post. Every time I look in the mirror, it's been too long since I was proud of what I saw. Every time someone laughs, it's been too long since I've done the same. Truly, and wholeheartedly.
It's time for change.
I'm not going to focus on my ED anymore. My parents found out and they've made it impossible. Maybe while I'm away this summer. I still hate myself. I still hate my body. I still have a love/hate relationship with food. But my mom has been freaking out for years in the belief that my brother might be anorexic. They won't allow me to refuse food any longer. I'm too pathetic to go bulimic. Pardon the poor word choice, but I couldn't stomach it.
Now I'm left spinning in depression, stress, and anxiety. I've always been anxious, always strummed my fingers. Pulled my hair. Worried too much about too little.
I am a beautiful chemical imbalance.
I guess my equilibrium just isn't all that stable, no matter how constant the whir in my mind.
My AP test is over, epic failure. My performances are over, thank heavens. I will never wear those dreadful mermaid costumes again. Full body shiny unitard and seashells. Those are five words that should never be combined in one costume.
I'm just going through the measures. I kind of feel like I'm not really here. Like I'm floating in a limbo.
And then he yells at me. Thanks a lot Hunter. Thank you SO, SO, SO much for sending me crashing back into planet Earth. I thought you were my brother?! I thought we were on the same side! I thought that you were depressed, too. Don't you understand what that does to me? Are you not as broken beneath the surface as I am? Can't you tell I can't take it? I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm not me. I'm not. I thought you knew.
I thought they all knew, but I guess no one really does. The price we pay for secrets.
If you don't stick around now that the numbers are missing, I'll understand. You're all beautiful. Sorry things change.
It's been too long.
I say that in everything now. Every time I come on here, it's been to long since my last post. Every time I look in the mirror, it's been too long since I was proud of what I saw. Every time someone laughs, it's been too long since I've done the same. Truly, and wholeheartedly.
It's time for change.
I'm not going to focus on my ED anymore. My parents found out and they've made it impossible. Maybe while I'm away this summer. I still hate myself. I still hate my body. I still have a love/hate relationship with food. But my mom has been freaking out for years in the belief that my brother might be anorexic. They won't allow me to refuse food any longer. I'm too pathetic to go bulimic. Pardon the poor word choice, but I couldn't stomach it.
Now I'm left spinning in depression, stress, and anxiety. I've always been anxious, always strummed my fingers. Pulled my hair. Worried too much about too little.
I am a beautiful chemical imbalance.
I guess my equilibrium just isn't all that stable, no matter how constant the whir in my mind.
My AP test is over, epic failure. My performances are over, thank heavens. I will never wear those dreadful mermaid costumes again. Full body shiny unitard and seashells. Those are five words that should never be combined in one costume.
I'm just going through the measures. I kind of feel like I'm not really here. Like I'm floating in a limbo.
And then he yells at me. Thanks a lot Hunter. Thank you SO, SO, SO much for sending me crashing back into planet Earth. I thought you were my brother?! I thought we were on the same side! I thought that you were depressed, too. Don't you understand what that does to me? Are you not as broken beneath the surface as I am? Can't you tell I can't take it? I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm not me. I'm not. I thought you knew.
I thought they all knew, but I guess no one really does. The price we pay for secrets.
If you don't stick around now that the numbers are missing, I'll understand. You're all beautiful. Sorry things change.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~I don't sleep well either. I'm riddled with dreams I don't understand or remember, where there used to be a deep peaceful abyss. I do hope you get some good sleep. It's a wonderful restorative. Have an unparalleled day <3
Hi darling <3
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are so off for you right now. I completely understand about being too pathetic to be bulimic. I can't bring myself to do it. No matter how hard I try, I can't force that. So I take lax and die later :p But it's not enough.
I laughed so hard about the costume thing. That's a crazy mix of ideas 0.0 You couldn't get me into a tight costume if you dragged me by my hair and drugged me. I'd still fight like hell, lol.
I like the background but maybe the prints too light to read? I don't know, it's your blog :) ^_^ That rose is so pretty though <3
Take care love <3
-Emma
I agree with Emma. Beautiful rose, but the writing might have to be a bit darker =) I wish I knew what it was like not to purge all the time. You're lucky you can't do it. Glad to hear your costumes are all done with =) Keep your head up hun.
ReplyDeleteXOXO