I'd crash and burn if there was anything left in me to fuel the fire.
I don't hate you, I just hate the world. It doesn't matter if you care, I just don't want to care. I don't want the world to end, I just want my life to end. I don't have a problem, I just hate myself.
I don't mind if you talk to me when you're in need. But if that's the only time you talk to me don't bother. I'm obviously not worth your time, why should I waste mine on you?
Your ignorance is pitiful, your ignorance is blind. Oh, the things you'll never do with ignorance in mind.
I'm ... I'm ... I don't even know. I'm tired, worn out, stretched thin, over scheduled, stressed, etc. We have rehearsal until 9p.m. every night, or later. I don't get home until after 10. I'm standing there in rehearsal as she yells to do things full out but all I can think of is how no one has the energy because we've all been stranded there so late for weeks. Half of the girls Can't do it full out due to injury. We're dropping like flies. She's asked too much. No one can handle it. On break we all wince as we move. There's a strange aura of giddiness as a result of sleep deprivation. I can't focus very well. None of us are doing well in school. Everyone wants the show to be over so that we can take a simple breath.
Next Friday I'm supposed to be in three important places at the same time. My AP test, state standardized test for chemistry, and spacing rehearsal all take place at the same time. They aren't even in the same county.
To top it off "Murphy" and I are quite well acquainted. (everything that can go wrong will) Thursday I landed on my knee and head in rehearsal. I've had headaches all week accompanied by a beautiful green bruise on my temple, and a scab on my knee that makes it painful to bend. Friday I hit my head on the the car while getting in.Saturday I slipped and fell on the other knee. Monday I ran in to a door while running laps inside for P.E. and received an inch long slice form the metal handle. Yesterday my cheek became stuck to my braces when impaled by a protruding wire. And today I have the pre-performance head cold. Is it any wonder I want to skip these next 2 weeks?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed that out of my system. I still haven't looked at the scale because I can tell from the fit of my clothing any my reflection in all the mirrors that surround me that I am no where near where I want to be. The only thing worse than being overweight for a performance entirely costumed in unitards is listening to my father and anyone else tell me I'm not fat. Just because you are a bucket of lard I am not skinny. You put on a shiny gold skin tight full body suit and tell me how thin you feel! I feel bad enough without the costume. I need to lose 20 pounds in 1 month, and I've been trying to lose it all year. Why will my body not listen to me? Last year it was so simple, so easy. It was a game. Come back from the summer and need to lose weight? No problem. I drop 4 pounds. The numbers are entertaining. Why not lose another 2? And 2 more? I wonder if I could lose 2 more? And then it stopped. Now I can't lose one and I'm fasting! I'm getting no sleep and I'm on my feet all day, I can't avoid food any longer. But why doesn't fasting help? I just want to be thin. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be happy, loving, accepting. I want to look in the mirror and see yesterday's joys lingering in my eyes. I want to look at my friends and forget their flaws. I want to meet someone and listen to them and love them for who they are. I don't want to meet someone and wonder what their daily intake is, their metabolic rate, their daily energy expenditure, their weight, their size. These things don't matter!
But they do. The shape me, us. They matter because they are a definition. Maybe that's not the first thing that comes to mind when you look at me, but that's what's always on my mind. It defines me. My whole life is warped around numbers, depression, weight, size, food. Everything ties into it. Somehow.
Part of me wants to get help, to reach out, but I'm scared of who I might become. I'm scared I'd lose myself. I fear that if I become happy my old goals won't matter. I'll give up on school, on dance. I'm plagued with this false future where I've given up everything, and happiness just doesn't seem worth everything. But maybe it is. I don't know. I don't know anything. And it's killing me. Can you O.D. on painkillers? Would it be a bad way to go?
Argh, No! I can't think like that. This isn't right. I'm 16. I should be looking to a long future, not an abrupt self imposed end. Maybe I'll feel better this summer. No school, no parents, no idiots my mother calls boyfriends invading my home. 5 weeks of me. I just need to make it there.
I don't hate you, I just hate the world. It doesn't matter if you care, I just don't want to care. I don't want the world to end, I just want my life to end. I don't have a problem, I just hate myself.
I don't mind if you talk to me when you're in need. But if that's the only time you talk to me don't bother. I'm obviously not worth your time, why should I waste mine on you?
Your ignorance is pitiful, your ignorance is blind. Oh, the things you'll never do with ignorance in mind.
I'm ... I'm ... I don't even know. I'm tired, worn out, stretched thin, over scheduled, stressed, etc. We have rehearsal until 9p.m. every night, or later. I don't get home until after 10. I'm standing there in rehearsal as she yells to do things full out but all I can think of is how no one has the energy because we've all been stranded there so late for weeks. Half of the girls Can't do it full out due to injury. We're dropping like flies. She's asked too much. No one can handle it. On break we all wince as we move. There's a strange aura of giddiness as a result of sleep deprivation. I can't focus very well. None of us are doing well in school. Everyone wants the show to be over so that we can take a simple breath.
Next Friday I'm supposed to be in three important places at the same time. My AP test, state standardized test for chemistry, and spacing rehearsal all take place at the same time. They aren't even in the same county.
To top it off "Murphy" and I are quite well acquainted. (everything that can go wrong will) Thursday I landed on my knee and head in rehearsal. I've had headaches all week accompanied by a beautiful green bruise on my temple, and a scab on my knee that makes it painful to bend. Friday I hit my head on the the car while getting in.Saturday I slipped and fell on the other knee. Monday I ran in to a door while running laps inside for P.E. and received an inch long slice form the metal handle. Yesterday my cheek became stuck to my braces when impaled by a protruding wire. And today I have the pre-performance head cold. Is it any wonder I want to skip these next 2 weeks?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed that out of my system. I still haven't looked at the scale because I can tell from the fit of my clothing any my reflection in all the mirrors that surround me that I am no where near where I want to be. The only thing worse than being overweight for a performance entirely costumed in unitards is listening to my father and anyone else tell me I'm not fat. Just because you are a bucket of lard I am not skinny. You put on a shiny gold skin tight full body suit and tell me how thin you feel! I feel bad enough without the costume. I need to lose 20 pounds in 1 month, and I've been trying to lose it all year. Why will my body not listen to me? Last year it was so simple, so easy. It was a game. Come back from the summer and need to lose weight? No problem. I drop 4 pounds. The numbers are entertaining. Why not lose another 2? And 2 more? I wonder if I could lose 2 more? And then it stopped. Now I can't lose one and I'm fasting! I'm getting no sleep and I'm on my feet all day, I can't avoid food any longer. But why doesn't fasting help? I just want to be thin. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be happy, loving, accepting. I want to look in the mirror and see yesterday's joys lingering in my eyes. I want to look at my friends and forget their flaws. I want to meet someone and listen to them and love them for who they are. I don't want to meet someone and wonder what their daily intake is, their metabolic rate, their daily energy expenditure, their weight, their size. These things don't matter!
But they do. The shape me, us. They matter because they are a definition. Maybe that's not the first thing that comes to mind when you look at me, but that's what's always on my mind. It defines me. My whole life is warped around numbers, depression, weight, size, food. Everything ties into it. Somehow.
Part of me wants to get help, to reach out, but I'm scared of who I might become. I'm scared I'd lose myself. I fear that if I become happy my old goals won't matter. I'll give up on school, on dance. I'm plagued with this false future where I've given up everything, and happiness just doesn't seem worth everything. But maybe it is. I don't know. I don't know anything. And it's killing me. Can you O.D. on painkillers? Would it be a bad way to go?
Argh, No! I can't think like that. This isn't right. I'm 16. I should be looking to a long future, not an abrupt self imposed end. Maybe I'll feel better this summer. No school, no parents, no idiots my mother calls boyfriends invading my home. 5 weeks of me. I just need to make it there.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ You should! I'll post mine as well :) I wonder if anyone truly fits their name ...
Emma ~ They're fun and healthy. I think I might get and actual (cute) bucket and toss in scraps of paper with any dream I come by on a given day. With all my free time :P Thank you
Luv ya ladies! I wish everyone a good nights sleep <3 Stay strong
Wow sweetie, you sound just like me. I feel over scheduled, over stressed but yet, all I can focus on is the numbers. I didn't sleep well last night because I was completely consumed by it all. I hope you're donig a bit better today. Much love.
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