Trouble Finding Motivation ...

My name means universal; whole. Universal fits, I do try any and everything. But how can I be whole when I'm in pieces? Tattered, shattered, scattered. How can I be whole when I am a hole? A blip, a dark spot, something missing, an error. I really just want to go to bed and sleep for a very long time. I want these next two weeks to be over and done with. I'd love for my friend to speak to me again. I'd love for life to be simple again. I found mystery gift from kindergarten today. I wish I could just go back to a time before depression, before the world imposed their values upon me. Before I really knew what judgement was, to when being the hardest on myself didn't mean all that much because the mistakes were just so easy to fix. I do have dreams.
I drew up a bucket list today. I highly doubt I'll do everything on it. But it did make me realize there are still things to live for. I think it may keep me from doing anything too rash in the near future. I wonder if that's why people create bucket lists.just to keep them going. Give them something to live fore.
Fasted for two days this week. Haven't checked the scale. I know no matter what I won't lose enough to feel good about myself when I step on that stage. Even at my low weight I wasn't happy. Probably why I'm having trouble finding the motivation to do this.
Everything just seems impossible.

Special thanks to:

Katie Ehrlich ~ I actually ran into "Murphy's law" on Thursday and landed on my head during rehearsal, and had a mental breakdown. Ya :P Friday was a bit better though, minus the headaches. Hope you're doing well.