Are you okay? I'm just tired. You sure? I'm just tired. You okay? I'm just tired.
I say it all day long. I'm just tired. I am tired. I feel like I have no energy left. But I'm not "just" tired. I want you to believe that lie. That lie that's so familiar it's automatic. I want you to believe that lie because the real answer isn't perfect. It's ugly. It's twisted. It's dark.
Are you okay? No. You sure? I'm enraged. You okay? I'm in pain. A deep dragging depression that makes everything ache. My eyes, my hands, my mind, my back, my joints, my stomach, my chest. my heart. Every fiber of my being pasted together by pain and pain alone. Every hope pulled back below the surface laving me numb to the world as I succumb to the fire that's eating me alive. Dying from the inside out. Decaying before your eyes which are blind to the truth I hide. I am hiding. Hiding in plain sight from the life I fear. I, like you, am blinded. I do not see what I will not look at. I will not look at myself. For so long I've looked away. Seen what wasn't there and avoided what was. I no longer know myself. I am lost to the thoughts within m head as I am lost to the world. I can't find my way. I can't break free. I can barely breath. I'm not in control of myself. I am a puppet to this twisted creature. This dark depression. A slave to the choices others make. Indecisive. Unimportant. Unnecessary.
Are you sure you're okay? I'm just tired.
The problem is I care
The problem is I cry
The problem is I let you deep inside
The problem is you make me want to die
Every breath I take
Every choice I make
Everything I do I do to be good enough for you
My smile's fake
I'm hardly awake
But I wake each day to say that I need you
It's all consuming
No escaping
I thought you knew
I needed you
~ me
I got trapped in the stars
And I haven't come down
Because the view from up here
Is detached, safe, and sound.
~ me
You can push me down
You can take away my choice
You can haunt my dreams
You can rob me of my voice
You can crush my heart
You can treat my tears like toys
But as long as there are stars
I'll still be smiling
As long as there is love
I'll search for hope
As long as you are human
I will know
My mind is still my own
And I am free
And I am dancing in the stars eternally
~ me
I just want it at to end. I'm so (pardon my language or skip the next word) *pissed* at my friend right. Now I'm still going to call her that. All of the little things have had me hovering over the boarder and the shed drops a bomb on me. I'm done. I'm done with her. I'm done with social interaction. I'm done with humanity. She was holding me back, making everything take longer. I'll do better without her. I'm so disappointed. I thought I'd finally made a real friend who could understand. She got jealous just like my elementary school friend. Just like every person I allow into more than one part of my life. Any person I share small truths with. She ruined one of my best and most valued platonic relationships by asking if he liked me and insisting he take me out. He hasn't talked to me in days. She is obsessed the guys. It forms her whole world. I know I should feel bad because she's acting out due to lack of a relationship with her father. But that doesn't mean she can storm in and torpedo my life! I've extended every part of my life to her to help her, and this is what I get. Two destroyed friendships. I've been annoyed for so long and haven't wanted to be. This is only making things worse. This is confirming all that I've said. This is her third strike. I'm losing them both. And it's ruining me.
I say it all day long. I'm just tired. I am tired. I feel like I have no energy left. But I'm not "just" tired. I want you to believe that lie. That lie that's so familiar it's automatic. I want you to believe that lie because the real answer isn't perfect. It's ugly. It's twisted. It's dark.
Are you okay? No. You sure? I'm enraged. You okay? I'm in pain. A deep dragging depression that makes everything ache. My eyes, my hands, my mind, my back, my joints, my stomach, my chest. my heart. Every fiber of my being pasted together by pain and pain alone. Every hope pulled back below the surface laving me numb to the world as I succumb to the fire that's eating me alive. Dying from the inside out. Decaying before your eyes which are blind to the truth I hide. I am hiding. Hiding in plain sight from the life I fear. I, like you, am blinded. I do not see what I will not look at. I will not look at myself. For so long I've looked away. Seen what wasn't there and avoided what was. I no longer know myself. I am lost to the thoughts within m head as I am lost to the world. I can't find my way. I can't break free. I can barely breath. I'm not in control of myself. I am a puppet to this twisted creature. This dark depression. A slave to the choices others make. Indecisive. Unimportant. Unnecessary.
Are you sure you're okay? I'm just tired.
The problem is I care
The problem is I cry
The problem is I let you deep inside
The problem is you make me want to die
Every breath I take
Every choice I make
Everything I do I do to be good enough for you
My smile's fake
I'm hardly awake
But I wake each day to say that I need you
It's all consuming
No escaping
I thought you knew
I needed you
~ me
I got trapped in the stars
And I haven't come down
Because the view from up here
Is detached, safe, and sound.
~ me
You can push me down
You can take away my choice
You can haunt my dreams
You can rob me of my voice
You can crush my heart
You can treat my tears like toys
But as long as there are stars
I'll still be smiling
As long as there is love
I'll search for hope
As long as you are human
I will know
My mind is still my own
And I am free
And I am dancing in the stars eternally
~ me
I just want it at to end. I'm so (pardon my language or skip the next word) *pissed* at my friend right. Now I'm still going to call her that. All of the little things have had me hovering over the boarder and the shed drops a bomb on me. I'm done. I'm done with her. I'm done with social interaction. I'm done with humanity. She was holding me back, making everything take longer. I'll do better without her. I'm so disappointed. I thought I'd finally made a real friend who could understand. She got jealous just like my elementary school friend. Just like every person I allow into more than one part of my life. Any person I share small truths with. She ruined one of my best and most valued platonic relationships by asking if he liked me and insisting he take me out. He hasn't talked to me in days. She is obsessed the guys. It forms her whole world. I know I should feel bad because she's acting out due to lack of a relationship with her father. But that doesn't mean she can storm in and torpedo my life! I've extended every part of my life to her to help her, and this is what I get. Two destroyed friendships. I've been annoyed for so long and haven't wanted to be. This is only making things worse. This is confirming all that I've said. This is her third strike. I'm losing them both. And it's ruining me.
Special thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ If I could know happiness was a breath away ... the breaths I would take. Thank you :) xox
May we all find happiness ladies.
I've gone through so many friends. You would think by now I would be away from all that high school drama, but girls are catty. I know the feeling all to well of being tired, annoyed, sick. Hope you feel better lovely.
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