Strive to Thrive will be Dead Inside. I want to change the title, and the background, and the font. I'm still stones2bones though, still Emma, still me. Promise. Changing the design has taken some trial and error. Let me know if anything needs to be changed :)
I'm back at my high weight. Why are they doing this to me? Yesterday I put my hand on my stomach and before I could get a breath out my mother almost yelled at me not to tell her "I'm fat." But it's true. I am. I see it hanging there. Bloated. Distorted. Disgusting. And I can't run to try and exercise because whenever I do I get the most terrible earache which takes at least half an hour to dissipate once it arrives, and it's so painful I have to stop. The only way I'll ever get anywhere is starving and they won't let me. I won't even be able to do anything this summer while I'm away for five weeks because I have a roommate whom I've known for years and she'll start asking questions if I never eat. I will make sure I don't have any snack food in my dorm room though, and we have "meal cards," which only work at campus locations, so I won't be able to binge. I'll just be really careful about what I buy, and maybe throw some of it away when no one is looking. But then I'll feel bad about wasting my parents money :/ We're on such a tight budget right now, my mom has to start her business again. Why can't they just let me starve? I could save the food money and pay for dance. Not that I'll be dancing much longer.
We went and saw "First Position" last night. It's a documentary about Youth America Grand Prix, a ballet competition. When it ended my mother said "I'm not even a dance mom." I said "I'm not even a dancer." Then she got pissed (pardon my language :/) at me and told me I was looking at it wrong, and I'm going to ABT, and Why do I always talk like that, etc., etc. I just tried to tune her out. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand I'm not that good. If love is blind then she must love me a lot because I'm not the skinny perfect amazing dancer she seems to think I am.
I'm a failure. A fat, ugly, stupid, ant-social, awkward, uncoordinated, untalented, uninteresting failure.
I'm back at my high weight. Why are they doing this to me? Yesterday I put my hand on my stomach and before I could get a breath out my mother almost yelled at me not to tell her "I'm fat." But it's true. I am. I see it hanging there. Bloated. Distorted. Disgusting. And I can't run to try and exercise because whenever I do I get the most terrible earache which takes at least half an hour to dissipate once it arrives, and it's so painful I have to stop. The only way I'll ever get anywhere is starving and they won't let me. I won't even be able to do anything this summer while I'm away for five weeks because I have a roommate whom I've known for years and she'll start asking questions if I never eat. I will make sure I don't have any snack food in my dorm room though, and we have "meal cards," which only work at campus locations, so I won't be able to binge. I'll just be really careful about what I buy, and maybe throw some of it away when no one is looking. But then I'll feel bad about wasting my parents money :/ We're on such a tight budget right now, my mom has to start her business again. Why can't they just let me starve? I could save the food money and pay for dance. Not that I'll be dancing much longer.
We went and saw "First Position" last night. It's a documentary about Youth America Grand Prix, a ballet competition. When it ended my mother said "I'm not even a dance mom." I said "I'm not even a dancer." Then she got pissed (pardon my language :/) at me and told me I was looking at it wrong, and I'm going to ABT, and Why do I always talk like that, etc., etc. I just tried to tune her out. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand I'm not that good. If love is blind then she must love me a lot because I'm not the skinny perfect amazing dancer she seems to think I am.
I'm a failure. A fat, ugly, stupid, ant-social, awkward, uncoordinated, untalented, uninteresting failure.
Special thanks to:
Katie Elizabeth ~ I hope they help, no one deserves our misery. I'm just scared to lose myself. I can't decide if I'd prefer he remember me or not. I was so stupid, and it won't really make a difference either way, the time has passed. Only 12 school days though :D
I really, really like this design! ^_^ It's so pretty.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie... I am so sorry :( I know how hard it is when the family and friends start worrying. They won't let it alone. And we know it's because they worry and care but it doesn't stop the thoughts and the view of ourselves. It doesn't change anything.
We're here for you darling... Just try and keep your head up and try to restrict whenever you can, but take it easy with the exercise. Maybe just do stomach exercises? Just take care <3
-Emma
Love the new layout. It's so pretty. I know how it feels when everyone is watching you and telling you that you're not fat eventhough you feel differently. Keep your head up lovely.
ReplyDeleteXOXO