Sorry I haven't been very consistent lately, it was definitely one of those weeks though. I still feel a bit trapped. Treading water in and ever expanding sea. At least I don't want to kill myself anymore. All I really want is to get out of here and start fresh, and start thin. I know that for my height I'm healthy, but I want to turn heads. I want to be beautiful, but so much more than that I want to feel beautiful. Anyone can be beautiful in a lover's eyes. Anyone can feel beautiful in their body. Not everyone must reach so far for a body that they don't hate. But why am I not anyone?
All I can think about is fat. Skin. Flesh. All I can think about is how I want as little as possible. My friend comes over and all she does is eat. I do too, I don't want her to suspect. It sinks like a canon ball in my stomach, rolling, heavy, huge. I want it out. I want it to never go in. I want to live on air, light and buoyant, lifting my into the sky. I want to fly. I want to soar. I want the world to be beautiful below me.
I'm not going to talk about intake today, but I will in the future.
Thursday ended up being a pretty good day. We did a puppet show in Spanish. It was horrifically hilarious. I actually managed to stay awake and take some notes in AP. Dance wasn't terrible.
Friday was better. I finished my bag and pillow case early in sewing so I got to wander around and talk to people. My English test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We colored in health. I didn't manage to stay awake and take notes in Chemistry. But I talked to friends after school. And it was SUNNY! I have missed the sun so much. I love the warmth and the light. I hate the sunburns, but I love the sunshine. I hope the weather stays cheery :) Maybe it will finally wake me up from my funk. I swear I've been an ugly dumb blond half asleep and barely there for 3 months and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of it. I thought that if I stopped trying to please others I'd find people that like me for who I am. All I found was that it's really sad to live without your heart, because mine has been in New York ever since I left. My only fear is that finding my heart again will be just as difficult as finding my head again, and I haven't even managed that yet. I hope I find both soon. I hope I find love, and friendship and joy. I hope I find confidence in myself and trust in others. Because I'm ready to move on.
I'm going on a liquid fast. I'll start with 3 days. I want to lose as much as possible, because the best present would be a missing digit on the scale this Saturday.
On that note, it's my b-day sat. A very sweet sixteen. Never even had the kindergarten playground kiss. I'm getting the most adorable mickey mouse statue. I keep calling it my one decoration for my dorm room in NY. I can't wait to open the box which has been sitting in the entryway for weeks.
I think I'm going to go work out now, because it truly feels like I have a cannon ball in my stomach.
Much love. Stay strong :)
All I can think about is fat. Skin. Flesh. All I can think about is how I want as little as possible. My friend comes over and all she does is eat. I do too, I don't want her to suspect. It sinks like a canon ball in my stomach, rolling, heavy, huge. I want it out. I want it to never go in. I want to live on air, light and buoyant, lifting my into the sky. I want to fly. I want to soar. I want the world to be beautiful below me.
I'm not going to talk about intake today, but I will in the future.
Thursday ended up being a pretty good day. We did a puppet show in Spanish. It was horrifically hilarious. I actually managed to stay awake and take some notes in AP. Dance wasn't terrible.
Friday was better. I finished my bag and pillow case early in sewing so I got to wander around and talk to people. My English test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We colored in health. I didn't manage to stay awake and take notes in Chemistry. But I talked to friends after school. And it was SUNNY! I have missed the sun so much. I love the warmth and the light. I hate the sunburns, but I love the sunshine. I hope the weather stays cheery :) Maybe it will finally wake me up from my funk. I swear I've been an ugly dumb blond half asleep and barely there for 3 months and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of it. I thought that if I stopped trying to please others I'd find people that like me for who I am. All I found was that it's really sad to live without your heart, because mine has been in New York ever since I left. My only fear is that finding my heart again will be just as difficult as finding my head again, and I haven't even managed that yet. I hope I find both soon. I hope I find love, and friendship and joy. I hope I find confidence in myself and trust in others. Because I'm ready to move on.
I'm going on a liquid fast. I'll start with 3 days. I want to lose as much as possible, because the best present would be a missing digit on the scale this Saturday.
On that note, it's my b-day sat. A very sweet sixteen. Never even had the kindergarten playground kiss. I'm getting the most adorable mickey mouse statue. I keep calling it my one decoration for my dorm room in NY. I can't wait to open the box which has been sitting in the entryway for weeks.
I think I'm going to go work out now, because it truly feels like I have a cannon ball in my stomach.
Much love. Stay strong :)
glad to hear from you!! love your balloons thinspo!
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