I think I maintained my 4.0! One teacher hasn't graded a project yet ... I really hope she grades kindly. I feel so much better now. I have acrylic nails, and I picked half of them off this week with nervous energy. I felt horribly about my retake and was on the brink of tears ALL DAY at school. My change in facial expressions must have been comical when my math teacher told me I'd have an A in the class. I was so nervous I'd lose it, so nervous I'd lose the only thing I had. The only thing that was perfect. I keep taking deep breaths relishing in the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders. Now if only I could lift off the weight of those shoulders ...
I haven't weighed myself in days. I'm scared of what I might weight, I don't want to face reality. But, I also want to prove to myself that I don't need the scale. I don't need that ******** number. If I can break an addiction to the scale, I can break an addiction to binging.
Can I break an addiction to perfection?
I don't know that I want to.
What would I be, if I wasn't trying to be perfect?
Would I be happy? Would I feel loved? Would I feel confidant? Would I feel proud? Would I feel worse?
Light as a feather
Free as the bird
~ The goal
Freedom. Freedom from responsibility. From judgment. From self loathing. From the ever more impossible definition of perfection. Freedom from the past. Freedom from the future. Freedom from worry. From heart break. From regret. From all that makes good days hard in life. Freedom to live in and for bliss. Freedom for the sake of freedom.
Which is farther from my grasp, freedom or perfection?
My dad said he "thought I wanted to be anorexic," because I was eating like a normal person. Some cold cuts, a slice of cheese, hearty soup *shudder.* I shouldn't have eaten that. I shouldn't eat at all. I need to be thinner. Ever thinner. Do you honestly believe I want to never feel pretty? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel joy? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel proud? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel good enough? Do you honestly believe I want to hate what I see in the mirror? Do you honestly believe I want to hate myself? Do you honestly believe I want to feel like death is the only way out, like I'll never find love, like I'll never by happy, like nothing worth while will ever last? Do you honestly believe I want to feel invisible? Do you honestly believe I want to feel lost?
I want to thinner. I want to waste away. I never wanted this. I never wanted to hate myself. I never wanted nourishment, survival, to become the enemy. I never wanted to be my own enemy. I didn't lie awake at night dreaming of depression and emaciation. I do dream of emaciation now.
~ Sorry, I just needed that out of my system.
On a brighter note :) I learned a little solo that I'm doing at dance that I actually really enjoy. I'm also going to see Hunger Games tonight :D I've only read the first book, it's enough to see the movie. And my hairdresser mixed some copper highlights in with the blond which is kind of fun. Plus I have new acrylics :P Hopefully I won't pick them off this week ...
New quarter. (Last one! {this year}) Adjusted ultimate goal. (Perfection, and freedom.) New outfit. ( Got a compliment.)
Always look on the bright side of life, right?
I haven't weighed myself in days. I'm scared of what I might weight, I don't want to face reality. But, I also want to prove to myself that I don't need the scale. I don't need that ******** number. If I can break an addiction to the scale, I can break an addiction to binging.
Can I break an addiction to perfection?
I don't know that I want to.
What would I be, if I wasn't trying to be perfect?
Light as a feather
Free as the bird
~ The goal
Freedom. Freedom from responsibility. From judgment. From self loathing. From the ever more impossible definition of perfection. Freedom from the past. Freedom from the future. Freedom from worry. From heart break. From regret. From all that makes good days hard in life. Freedom to live in and for bliss. Freedom for the sake of freedom.
Which is farther from my grasp, freedom or perfection?
My dad said he "thought I wanted to be anorexic," because I was eating like a normal person. Some cold cuts, a slice of cheese, hearty soup *shudder.* I shouldn't have eaten that. I shouldn't eat at all. I need to be thinner. Ever thinner. Do you honestly believe I want to never feel pretty? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel joy? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel proud? Do you honestly believe I want to never feel good enough? Do you honestly believe I want to hate what I see in the mirror? Do you honestly believe I want to hate myself? Do you honestly believe I want to feel like death is the only way out, like I'll never find love, like I'll never by happy, like nothing worth while will ever last? Do you honestly believe I want to feel invisible? Do you honestly believe I want to feel lost?
I want to thinner. I want to waste away. I never wanted this. I never wanted to hate myself. I never wanted nourishment, survival, to become the enemy. I never wanted to be my own enemy. I didn't lie awake at night dreaming of depression and emaciation. I do dream of emaciation now.
~ Sorry, I just needed that out of my system.
On a brighter note :) I learned a little solo that I'm doing at dance that I actually really enjoy. I'm also going to see Hunger Games tonight :D I've only read the first book, it's enough to see the movie. And my hairdresser mixed some copper highlights in with the blond which is kind of fun. Plus I have new acrylics :P Hopefully I won't pick them off this week ...
New quarter. (Last one! {this year}) Adjusted ultimate goal. (Perfection, and freedom.) New outfit. ( Got a compliment.)
Always look on the bright side of life, right?
Special Thanks To:
Gymnast ~ I'm glad you liked them :)
Katie Ehrlich
~ Thank you both so much <3
~ Thank you both so much <3
Fly Free lovelies
I always believe that my father is the reason why I became this way. He, to this day still makes jokes about my fat ass and makes me feel even lower about myself. Breaking the addiction from the scale will be hard, but if you have enough will power, I believe you can do it hun. Keep strong.
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