B-day

I want to scratch myself until I bleed
And starve until I die

I want to take a pill for everything
And kill the life inside

I want to lay there lifelessly
A cold contorted face

Nothing left to mask the pain
No beauty hope or grace

I want to burn my throat with all
The bile of my form

I want to watch it eat away
And leave me scarred and worn

I do not care who knows it now
I don't care what they say

I'm not their perfect person
And I'll never be that way

I want to see him looming there
In robes as dark as night

I want to see his sheath held high
glinting in the light

The blade so sharp so cold so smooth
A shiver and a thrill

A total loss of memory
A total loss of will

~ written at 1 am the day of my birthday(yesterday.) Quite the perfect start. I didn't even make a wish with my birthday candles, and I didn't care that I hadn't. I'd fallen asleep on the couch so when my mother came home at midnight she woke me up to go to bed. Her boyfriend was there. The boyfriend she spent a week and a half telling us was a narcissist and a sociopath after he broke up with her. . To say the least, seeing my mother make poor decisions put a damper in my mood.  Then I opened the Mickey Mouse statue I'd been so excited about and Mickey was decapitated. The arms were falling off of both mickey and Minnie and Minnie's eyelashes were broken off. And the above was written. After this I went to bed and woke up later in the morning to a better day.
 My mom woke me up a little before 8 with my cake and I convinced her not to take pictures. Cake in bed. Then I got ready for dance and we went to Jamba juice because I could get a free 16 oz. The cute boy behind the counter gave me a free upgrade to the free smoothie. Originals are huge so I saved half of it for lunch. When I got to dance the little girls ambushed me at the door with"happy birthday." It scared the crap out of me, but it was really cute. I was at dance from 9 until 3 then went home. I got ready and went to see a show. The girl I'll be rooming with this summer is amazing, and so thin. Maybe it'll be good for me to see her habits. Does that sound weird? It feels kind of creepy ...  The evening ended with miso soup and sushi.
My three day liquid fast didn't happen. I maintained, so at least I didn't gain. Given all of the sugar in this house from a week of birthday celebrations I guess I shouldn't complain.
Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I've meant to but my mom is always on my computer.

Special thanks to:

Gymnast ~ Thank you. You'll get there, I'm sue of it :) You're doing really well!

Hope you all had a good St. Patrick's Day! We'll get there ladies. No goal is out of our reach :)