My hands are like ice
and the air feels like fire
The walls condemn me
and pull my chest tighter
My pulse pounds in my temples
distorting the sounds
The world spinning faster
sight set on the ground
The knot in my stomach
like my intertwined fingers
The thoughts in my head
of a past choice which lingers
The look in my eyes
of a pain and desire
To change, to forget,
to manipulate fire
I hope I've found my voice again. If only these blips and glimpses. I feel as though I'm in purgatory. Always slapped in the face with just enough happiness to keep me from doing something , well more drastic than utter self loathing and attempts to starve to death. Why are parents so meddling? Would it really be so hard to let me skip a few weeks of food? It's not like they pay attention to anything else. I have a ****** 4.0 and it means nothing to them. I just want to leave, and breath, and move on with my life. I want to live on my own where no one is watching the food on my plate. I want to be the only one there to notice I never buy food. I want the adrenaline to rush through what's left of my body as I withdraw "food money" and buy clothing a size smaller. I want to watch the numbers disappear, the inches melt away, the bones protrude. I want people to notice. I want to believe it when they say I'm skinny. I want to know it.
Just a few things I've made this week :
and the air feels like fire
The walls condemn me
and pull my chest tighter
My pulse pounds in my temples
distorting the sounds
The world spinning faster
sight set on the ground
The knot in my stomach
like my intertwined fingers
The thoughts in my head
of a past choice which lingers
The look in my eyes
of a pain and desire
To change, to forget,
to manipulate fire
I hope I've found my voice again. If only these blips and glimpses. I feel as though I'm in purgatory. Always slapped in the face with just enough happiness to keep me from doing something , well more drastic than utter self loathing and attempts to starve to death. Why are parents so meddling? Would it really be so hard to let me skip a few weeks of food? It's not like they pay attention to anything else. I have a ****** 4.0 and it means nothing to them. I just want to leave, and breath, and move on with my life. I want to live on my own where no one is watching the food on my plate. I want to be the only one there to notice I never buy food. I want the adrenaline to rush through what's left of my body as I withdraw "food money" and buy clothing a size smaller. I want to watch the numbers disappear, the inches melt away, the bones protrude. I want people to notice. I want to believe it when they say I'm skinny. I want to know it.
Just a few things I've made this week :
Special thanks to:
Fat Piggy <3
Fat Piggy <3
Stay strong ladies! It sounds like you're all doing so well.
Love <3
My whole life, my dad never noticed all the wonderful things I did and were capable of. It's frustrating. I hope you feel better my dear.
ReplyDeleteXOXO