Only wish ...

The world swirls around me, my sight has a  yellow hue.
 The teacher drones, inside I moan,
 and students study on
My head is grey and foggy, my thoughts a busy whir
Drowning in plain sight
They'll never notice her

She, the girl that fights within
She who sees that food is sin
She who hears not what they say,
Who self destructs anyway
She who's lost, but never found
She who's eyes sink through the ground
She who thinks there's nothing more
Who longs to go back to before

Trapped within a drowning soul
Caged within an endless goal

I am who they'll never see, the girl who wars inside of me
I am drowning in plain sight
I'm the girl within my eyes
I am the girl who hides beneath a smile
Who cries,
still smiling all the while
~ Tuesday

My smile and grin
Is paper thin
It hides the soul within

The girl you see
Was never me
She masks who I've let be

For now I wait
'till it's too late
beneath depression's weight

When time is done
and death has won
We'll see who I've become
 ~ Wednesday

Just some things if written during school this week. I feel dreadful that it's been so long. The quarter ends tomorrow and I've been stressing over my grades. I have to retake a test at 6:45 am tomorrow in math, and beg and grovel at my AP teacher's feet, but I should keep my 4.0. I hope I do. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. I think I'll address that when it happens though.
It wasn't the best of weeks, it wasn't the worst of weeks. Dance is going fairly well, although my joints hurt a bit. I need to stop dancing during P.E. I think turning in running shoes on the gym floor is weakening the ligaments in my knees, so I'm going to give them a rest. Plus we're doing volley ball, and with my utter lack of hand eye coordination, I should probably stay focused :P
A classmate's mother said she would have hated students like her son in high school. I saw where she was coming from, his intellect can be obnoxious at times, but my parents had never said anything like that before. I jinxed myself. My mother told me I'm they type of person you'd love to hate. She then caught herself and said that I'm just "so quirky you have to love me." Isn't "quirky" sort  of like when people say the crazy girl is "exuberant" or the ugly girl is "so sweet?" Ugh, I don't even know any more. I'm just so sick of everything.
Since I was a little child my wish has been only one thing, the prayer at the back of my mind is always the same. "Kill me now. Please, kill me now." After so many years,  it just becomes hard to believe there's really someone looking down on me. Looking out for me. But at the same time, I still ask. I still believe. I believe in a more powerful being. I just don't think I believe in a better being, a greater being.

I don't understand why nothing keeps me happy. I tried on a size 0 prom dress today, it fit perfectly. I loved it. But I still wasn't happy. I still feel fat. I still feel inadequate. I still want less. Thinner. Smaller. Two dimensional. A breath, a feather, a pearl. A precious stone. A precarious branch. A twig. Ready to snap at any moment, strained by the weight of life's fruit. I want to waste away.
My parents want me to chase my dreams. Would they support the only dream I'm truly after? The only end I want to reach? No. If I had a child, would I support them in this position?
In ancient times, suicide was honorable. Now it's selfish. What's changed?
Do I really want to commit suicide? If that's what I wanted, wouldn't I  have tried by now?
I want my life to end. I just don't want to end it.
Sorry for such a random post, and such a gap between posts. I need to get on here every day.
We will do it ladies :)

Special Thanks to:
Katie Ehrlich ~ Thank you, and I hope so. I took hip hop when I was about 8, it wasn't my forte either :P I just remember calling the teacher Bunny Rabbit.